How hot is your congressman? And is that a rhetorical question?

You know what politics needs? A little more superficiality. The Park Bench is here to help. Here's our hotness survey of ten random members of the U.S. House of Representatives. Because we're all about education, we'll be using official legislative terms to rank our contestants. Here are the definitions:

Veto -- that's a rejection
Table -- we're setting you aside for future consideration
Move -- a formal request for action. That means whatever you want it to mean. Perv.

And here we go:

NEIL ABERCROMBIE / Hawaii 1st District

So cool, he’s the Abercrombie without the Fitch. He’s worked as a probation officer and is a member of the Seapower and Expeditionary Forces Subcommittee. I think this means he wears a wet suit to staff meetings. His power alone makes him irresistable.

VERDICT: Move, baby.

ROSCOE BARTLETT / Maryland 6th District

I assumed, since this guy has the last name of my favorite fictional president, that he might, you know, be attractive. I was wrong. He’s stately, I’ll give him that. But not hot. Oh my, no.

VERDICT: Veto




JOHN CAMPBELL / California 48th District

Given the number of attractive people living in California, I figured a few of them must have made it to Congress. And I was right. Check out Congressman Campbell. I don’t know what he’s doing wasting his time legislating. He should be elbowing Brian Williams out of the anchor chair on NBC News. I’d totally listen to bad news from this guy. Rowr.

VERDICT: Move! Move!

RAHM EMANUEL / Illinois 5th District

If this guy:









Actually looked like this guy:












We might be able to work something out.

VERDICT: Table

LUIS FORTUNO / Puerto Rico

Well, we can’t make Puerto Rico a state, but we can certainly let our neighbors know their representative is a hottie. And that name – Fortuno – that’s a romance novel name if I ever heard one.

VERDICT: Move indeed!




JOHN HALL / New York 19th District

The dude’s a rock star. Seriously. He really used to be a rock star. He’s got an album called Rock Me on the Water. Plus, he studied physics in college. Bald or not, this is the guy that all the other congressmen secretly want to be, but he plays it coooooool.

VERDICT: Move

WALTER JONES / North Carolina 3rd District

On the one hand, he looks like the kindly, funny governor from Benson. On the other hand, his web page says that The Oak Ridge Boys praised him for supporting a National War Dogs Monument. If it had been Beck or David Bowie praising him, I could have given him some points. But the Oak Ridge Boys? No. Just no.

VERDICT: Table.

JOE KNOLLENBERG / Michigan 9th District

Grandpa? Is that you?

VERDICT: Veto








JESSE L. JACKSON, JR. / Illinois 2nd District

Hmm, let me think about this one. Young, tall with handsome eyes AND his dad once read Green Eggs and Ham on Saturday Night Live. Yeah, I think we're good here.

VERDICT: Move!

Grab your dictionary, heat up some popcorn -- it's spelling bee time!

There's excitement in the air. This nerd's favorite annual sporting event*, the Scripps National Spelling Bee, starts today. Thirteen year old Samir Patel is an early favorite to take top prize.

Don't forget to start coughing around your co-workers today so you can call in sick tomorrow and watch the semifinals live on ESPN between 10 a.m. and 1 p.m., then tune back in for the finals from 8 to 10 p.m.

* It's a sport because it's on ESPN. That's the litmus test, right?

A good week for science and logic? Depends on your definition.

So far, this week's been good to science and logic. Mostly. Here's the skinny:

* Researchers announced they've discovered 28 new habitable planets in the last year and have gone prediction crazy like a guy who wins two dollars in a scratch off and suddenly hocks his house to buy 20,000 lottery tickets because his luck is just that good! Yup, these scientists are proclaiming there could be billions of habitable planets in the universe. Given that the universe is way big, that seems like a big "duh" but it's still pretty exciting news, especially for those poor saps on Battlestar Galactica.

* Witches used magic to control the brain of a Georgia Superior Court Judge, forcing him to support the Gwinnett County school board's decision last year to keep J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter books on school library bookshelves after a parent demanded that they be removed because they were violent "and promoted witchcraft." The witches nodded in agreement, high-fiving each other while riding brooms and sywriting "Surrender Dorothy" over the parent's yard.

* Researchers determined that cats wearing bibs are less likely to kill small wildlife like birds and amphibians. They are, however, twice as likely to cry themselves to sleep at night.

* Here's where science took a bit of a hit. The Creation Museum opened in Kentucky, showing Barney and Moses riding shotgun in Noah's Ark. Not really, but I hope they consider adding that exhibit later.

Review: Special Topics in Calamity Physics

There are some books that hurt your brain. For me, those are usually books with numbers in them. Then there are books that hurt your brain in a very, very good way. Marisha Pessl’s debut novel, Special Topics in Calamity Physics, is one of those books.

The novel tells the story of Blue Van Meer, an erudite high school student who has been raised solely by her brilliant college professor father since the day her mother was killed in a car accident. Most of the novel centers on Blue’s experiences at an exclusive prep school where she falls in with an elite clique and their mysterious teacher/leader, Hannah. Early on, the plot seems to have an almost incestuous similarity to Donna Tartt’s The Secret History, but about halfway through, Calamity Physics takes a mind-bending turn that makes you sit up, slack-jawed, thinking, “Huh, I never saw that coming.”

Although it pains me to make this comparison, especially with a writer who looks like she’s 19, has perfect hair and an IQ that would make Alex Trebek weep in over-accented French-Canadian, Pessl’s style has a decidedly Nabokovian flair. Her prose possesses an energy, a delicious fervor, that makes the reader giddy. There’s nothing better than grabbing the front-row seat on a verbal carnival ride, replete with brow-furrowing references, word play, humor and playful didacticism. For a word junkie, it’s a thrill.

At times, of course, the erudition becomes perhaps a bit too much and Calamity Physics drags just a smidge here and there, but these are minor and very forgivable transgressions – a small price to pay for a book that makes you want to start re-reading it the very second you conquer its last page.

Notre Dame versus Lex Luthor...or somethin'

Miss March Madness? Love comic book villains? Then you'll want to check out Entertainment Weekly's new Who's the Best Villain brackets contest. Vote for your favorites and see how it stacks up when the final votes are tallied on June 6. See if you can con your office mates into putting a few dollars on Mr. Freeze....