You know what politics needs? A little more superficiality. The Park Bench is here to help. Here's our hotness survey of ten random members of the U.S. House of Representatives. Because we're all about education, we'll be using official legislative terms to rank our contestants. Here are the definitions:
Veto -- that's a rejection
Table -- we're setting you aside for future consideration
Move -- a formal request for action. That means whatever you want it to mean. Perv.
And here we go:
NEIL ABERCROMBIE / Hawaii 1st District
So cool, he’s the Abercrombie without the Fitch. He’s worked as a probation officer and is a member of the Seapower and Expeditionary Forces Subcommittee. I think this means he wears a wet suit to staff meetings. His power alone makes him irresistable.
VERDICT: Move, baby.
ROSCOE BARTLETT / Maryland 6th District
I assumed, since this guy has the last name of my favorite fictional president, that he might, you know, be attractive. I was wrong. He’s stately, I’ll give him that. But not hot. Oh my, no.
JOHN CAMPBELL / California 48th District
Given the number of attractive people living in California, I figured a few of them must have made it to Congress. And I was right. Check out Congressman Campbell. I don’t know what he’s doing wasting his time legislating. He should be elbowing Brian Williams out of the anchor chair on NBC News. I’d totally listen to bad news from this guy. Rowr.
VERDICT: Move! Move!
RAHM EMANUEL / Illinois 5th District
If this guy:
Actually looked like this guy:
We might be able to work something out.
LUIS FORTUNO / Puerto Rico
Well, we can’t make Puerto Rico a state, but we can certainly let our neighbors know their representative is a hottie. And that name – Fortuno – that’s a romance novel name if I ever heard one.
VERDICT: Move indeed!
JOHN HALL / New York 19th District
The dude’s a rock star. Seriously. He really used to be a rock star. He’s got an album called Rock Me on the Water. Plus, he studied physics in college. Bald or not, this is the guy that all the other congressmen secretly want to be, but he plays it coooooool.
WALTER JONES / North Carolina 3rd District
On the one hand, he looks like the kindly, funny governor from Benson. On the other hand, his web page says that The Oak Ridge Boys praised him for supporting a National War Dogs Monument. If it had been Beck or David Bowie praising him, I could have given him some points. But the Oak Ridge Boys? No. Just no.
JOE KNOLLENBERG / Michigan 9th District
Grandpa? Is that you?
JESSE L. JACKSON, JR. / Illinois 2nd District
Hmm, let me think about this one. Young, tall with handsome eyes AND his dad once read Green Eggs and Ham on Saturday Night Live. Yeah, I think we're good here.