Twelve Fictional Females Who Don't Take Crap From Anybody

Hillary Clinton and her pantsuits got me thinking about tough women. Here are 12 fictional females - four a day, in no particular order - who never, ever let anyone push 'em around. Or at the very least have the guts to wreak spectacular havoc if they do.

Laura Roslin, "Battlestar Galactica"

WHY SHE RULES: On a show with genocidal robots, hardened military men, reformed terrorists and a desperate humanity doing anything it takes to survive, it might seem a bit odd that the former secretary of education turned president of the 12 colonies is the scariest bad-ass of all. Then again, this is "Battlestar Galactica," where optimists go to cry big, wet tears of existentialist despair. So it makes sense that the seemingly nice quiet terminally-ill lady is the one who tries to steal elections, airlocks prisoners, kidnaps babies, advocates the mass extermination of the Cylon race, believes herself to be a religious prophet and nearly lets a man bleed to death before her eyes. The thing is, she's pretty much right in doing all those things -- certainly not right in a moral sense, but right in a "these things have to be done and since I'm dying anyway, I may as well be the one to lose my soul by doing them."

Roslin is a character you root for despite her flaws, a woman made all the more three-dimensional by the fact that she does these things because she has to -- and she does them at the expense of her own soul. With every action she takes to protect humanity, she becomes less human and more like the machines she is trying to defeat. Lately, though, it seems like she might be on the road to redemption. Will it stick? Who knows? Wondering what that crazy Laura Roslin is going to do next is half the fun.

Mary Richards, "The Mary Tyler Moore Show"

WHY SHE RULES: "The Mary Tyler Moore Show," aside from being pretty damn funny, earns kudos for introducing one of the first female characters who truly functioned as an independent entity. Mary Richards wasn't anyone's wife or girlfriend or mother -- she was just a woman in her 30s trying to have a career and build a life for herself amid a never-ending stream of wacky neighbors, crazy potential boyfriends and hilariously bizarre co-workers. More often than not, Mary was the straight man, so to speak, the foil off which all the weirdness bounced but that also made her the rock. When everything else went phloo-ey, she was the one everyone held on to...even when clowns died and made people laugh so hard they nearly vomited. Truly groundbreaking, the character of Mary Richards paved the way for a lot of the fictional ladies we love today, including a certain neurotic resident of "30 Rock." Way to go, Mary Richards. No wonder she's got her own statue.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi, "The Sopranos"

WHY SHE RULES: First, let me just say that as much as I love "The Sopranos," I pretty much hate every single character on that show except for Silvio's hair and Dr. Jennifer Melfi, Tony Soprano's therapist, who time after time turns out to be way tougher than her whiny mobster patient. First poor Jennifer has to go on the lam because of Tony's shenanigans, then she gets raped and proves she's a much better person than I'd ever be by not letting Tony exact revenge on her assailant, then she has to spend time with her dumb-ass ex-husband who has the weirdest Italian fetish ever and then she's got to spend time with Peter Bogdonavitch - which, hello, how much torture can the woman endure? Worst of all, she has to endure the advances of Tony, who claimed he loved her and probably did in his own sick way, but what woman could handle all his wheezing and loud suits? (Although the loudness of the suits would probably drown out the wheezing...) No matter how many times Tony raged at her or tried to woo her, though, she stood up to him -- no small feat given that a) she kind of liked him and b) he's fucking scary! Melfi is a no-frills tough lady, one who holds her own against anyone and anything but without flash and flair. You gotta respect that.

Princess Leia, "Star Wars"

WHY SHE RULES: Because she never killed herself over that hairstyle. Seriously, that's strength. And she wore a metal bikini, which is INSANE! Talk about chafing. No, the real reason Princess Leia rocks is because she was the brains of the organization. You got your Ben Kenobis and your Luke Skywalkers and your yummy Han Solos but without her, they're all just lightsabers and muscle. Leia was a kick-ass soldier in her own right, never caving to Darth Vader's weird floating dental school torture devices and never giving up her comrades, even when the baddies blew up Alderaan and her father Jimmy Smits. And she killed Jabba the Hut in pretty much the most time consuming demise of a giant rubber slug ever. How cool is that? The only negative: she kind of made out with her brother, just like Angelina Jolie. Ew. Still though, she was a role model -- how many of us wanted to be Princess Leia when we were little? Yes, that's right, ALL OF US. Sure, mostly it was because we wanted to make out with Han Solo but a lot of it was because she kicked ass and knew how to take numbers. By Force. Get it? Force. Ha. Yeah....

Read Part II here.

Ten Great Nerd Couples

In honor of Sweetest Day, which is tomorrow and which I recently discovered is mostly a Midwestern phenomenon invented, no doubt, to make us feel better about being stuck in the goddamn Midwest, I've compiled a list of Great Nerd Couples. I know I'm probably forgetting some biggies -- I tend to do that, like when I'm in a meeting and try to make a list of all the United States in my head but always end up forgetting the one in which I actually live. Anyway, this is just a little smorgasbord of fictional love, meant to bring out the Cupid in all of us. If, of course, your Cupid watches sci-fi and likes English literature.

Elizabeth and Darcy / Pride and Prejudice


Miscommunication, repression, awkward social moments -- that's what love is really all about, isn't it? Jane Austen certainly got it right with Pride and Prejudice. Few novels portray the silly awkward dance of brain-crunching confusion that permeates just about every romance -- fictional or non-fictional -- that ever was or will be. Plus, any story that gets turned into a movie with Colin Firth wins points in my book -- yes, even Bridget Jones' Diary.

Hermione and Ron / Harry Potter series


Thank God Hermione was in charge of this romance or things never would have gotten off the ground. As clueless as Ron may have been, at least he recognized the value of a good, smart -- very smart -- woman. I'm glad they finally got rid of that pesky third wheel, too. What was his name? Harry something....

Bones and Booth / Bones


Bones and Booth. Is that a great name for a saloon or what? As characters, these two have a nice ying-yang of geek/non-geek going on as well as a gift for significant glances and engaging banter. And as much as we loved Boreanaz as Buffy's broody boyfriend Angel, isn't it nice to see him undead and cracking jokes in the sunlight? It makes him look taller, I think.

+ Jim and Pam / The Office


These two are sweet, sweet wish fulfillment for anyone who's ever had an office crush. (And yes, I'm talking to you. I see how you look at the guy in accounting. Go ahead, give him an invoice...if that's what the kids are calling it these days.) Seriously, wouldn't work be wonderful if we all had someone fun to share it with? Jim and Pam make us wistful while also making us laugh, whether it's recruiting Dwight for the CIA or faxing him from the future. Good times...

Han and Leia / Star Wars


And at this very moment, millions of pre-adolescent girls across the globe learned that kissing is in no way icky, especially when it involves Harrison Ford.

Lois and Superman / Superman


Sure, Lois was always kind of mean to Superman's nerdy alter ego, but you've got to admire the commitment of these two crazy kids. Decades worth of comic books, three TV series, more than a half dozen movies -- that's sticking with it for the long haul. Plus, the guy made the Earth spin backwards just to save her, even though she was played by Margot Kidder. If that's not true love, I don't know what is.

Wash and Zoe / Firefly


Probably the least dysfunctional and therefore most doomed of all the Whedonverse romances. But hey, we enjoyed our toy dinosaur-loving, spaceship-flying, slightly jealous Wash and his patient, quietly sarcastic and decidedly deadly mercenary wife Zoe while they lasted. Yup, it was all sunshine and puppies until the whole "I am a leaf on the wind" debacle, which I now think of whenever I see drifting foliage. Thanks a lot for ruining fall for me, Whedon!

Mulder and Scully / The X-Files


Ah, the classics. Mulder and Scully were the standard bearers of great nerd love. Him, all crazy, anti-social sexy loner guy with the raging persecution complex. Her, the brainy scientist with an uncanny ability to run in high heels, get kidnapped and traumatized and never, ever get to be right about anything. What does it all add up to? Love, baby. Or at least the tacit suggestion of such after nine long, frustrating years. This was a Chris Carter show after all.

Beatrice and Benedick / Much Ado About Nothing


This is where we class the joint up, what with the Shakespeare and the iambic pentameter and the well-managed cleavage. Beatrice and Benedick earn nerd romance honors for their simple elegant snark and for the beautifully contrived crossed-wires that keep them at arms length while the younger, less interesting Hero and Claudio sort out their feeble swooning. The old saucy couples are always, always more fun than the dull pretty ones.

Adama and Roslin / Battlestar Galactica


Speaking of old saucy couples, we've got these two who basically have "tragedy ahead" stamped all over their foreheads. First their home planet gets nuked. Then they find out there are only 50,000 humans (soon to be less) left in the universe. Then they get put in charge of the whole mess. Talk about pressure. Top it off with Roslin's cancer and that whole "dying leader" prophecy and Adama's hard drinking and tendency to grow pornstaches, and you've got a recipe for some sad days ahead. Let's hope they get at least a few quiet moments together before the world ends -- again.

And on that note...Happy Sweetest Day everyone!

Point/Counterpoint: Old BSG vs. Better BSG

It's an age-old question on par with Coke vs. Pepsi, Zima vs. Lighter Fluid, Pampers vs. Huggies. Which is better -- old Battlestar Galactica or new Battlestar Galactica? Ms. C and I sat down recently, wearing Pampers and Huggies, mixing a little Zima and Coke, and tackled The Question:

Liz: The new BSG -- or should I say, the "real" BSG -- is 100 times better than the original for the simple reason that there's no velour*. Anywhere. And Admiral Adama doesn't wear a cape or a giant Bea Arthur-sized broach.

Ms. C: The new Battlestar Galactica is a fine television program, that's true. And while I concede that Captain Adama is quite the commanding figure as played by Edward James Olmos, the old version of the show was definitely better. 1.) It was the heyday of the 70's and tight pants were not only permitted, but encouraged. 2.) Lorne Greene! DIRK BENEDICT! C'MON! 3.) Starbuck was a lot more fun back then. Now, Starbuck seems more kickass, but is definitely, and annoyingly, too caught up in her own drama. 4.) You know what else I liked about the old version? The Cylons made that whoosh-whoosh sound with their eyes more. Oh, and don't get me started about the constantly naked toasters on the new version. It's like whenever the writers feel their male audience reaching for the remote, they throw some gratuitous toaster sex in the mix.

Liz: First, I can't believe you numbered your arguments when you know I suck at math. And second, the new version of BSG has Laura Roslin and that should trump everything else. She is, by far, the coolest character on the show. Kind and serene one minute, then shoving people out the airlock, inciting a religious furor and stealing an election the next. How can you resist that?

I agree that the whoosh-whoosh cylon eyes were pretty great though. And so was Dirk Benedict, although I think Katee Sackhoff could snap him like a twig and then beat him with the Emmy she'll win one day. Maybe they can save that for a big-screen BSG?

Ms. C: I have to hand it to you, Laura Roslin is my favorite. And even though the original had Patrick Macnee of The Avengers fame (as THE DEVIL! HOW COOL IS THAT?!), the acting star power in the new version is light years (You sly boots, with your space references! -- Ed.) ahead of the classic series.

I would, however, like to bring to your attention that the new BSG suffers from a severe, and grievous, lack of Daggits. Muffit, the dog/bear/robot, animated by a chimpanzee delightfully named Evolution warmed many a heart in the original series.

Liz: As a rule, I like anything and anyone played by a costumed chimpanzee, so I'll agree with you on the sad lack of Daggits. I also agree that it was pretty cool to have Patrick Macnee playing a role on the show. But you've got to admit that the new Baltar as played by James Callis is a million times better than that sniveling dude in the original series. When Callis snivels, he does it with conviction. You really believe he's pained by his delusion-driven decisions. You also really believe that he's pained by his syphilis -- because you can't make syphilis jokes too often!

Ms. C: Ewww! Syphilis! And toaster syphilis at that. You've hit me with another bon mot in mentioning Callis' convincing sniveling. It pains me to watch him writhe around like he does but that only goes to show that he's a great actor.

Well, the only thing I've got left is to say that the successful transformation of a classic series like Battlestar into a compelling contemporary science fiction program slicks up a dangerously slippery slope. What's next? Buck Rogers played by Luke Wilson? Lindsay Lohan as Wilma? Twiki reimagined as a leggy fembot?!

Liz: I would cry giant, salty tears of joy if someone re-made Buck Rogers. We'd get to see Birdman again. And the space vampire. And Twiki and Gary Coleman enduring short-person-joke hell. Maybe we could even get thin-haired Gil Gerard and his unitard back. I'm ready to relive those golden days and I'm ready to relive them NOW!

Ms. C: I loved Buck Rogers. I had a little girl crush on Gil. And to think of seeing Birdman or Dr. Theopolis side by side with today's awesome special effects...well, I'd be watching the show standing up, afraid to run to the bathroom for fear of missing something.

Liz: There's nothing to do now but start petitioning Tarantino for Buck Rogers II: In Space No One Can Hear Your Polyester Scream. Who's with me?

* Defined by Wikipedia as "a textile...(which) combines the stretchy properties of knits such as spandex with the rich appearance and feel of velvet."