I don't understand why people think they need alcohol to become uninhibited and stupid. All you need is to stop sleeping for 10 months straight and boom, it's like you've got a Woodchuck Cider buzz going 24/7. I know this for a fact because one, I love nothing more than a Woodchuck Cider buzz and two, as the new mother of a toddler, I've been chronically exhausted for almost a year now and it has made me painfully dumb. To whit:
- The other night, I told my two-year-old in a very stern voice that he had better finish his spinach or he'd get a timeout. Yeah, um, we were eating chili.
- At work, I spent three hours writing a document...that I had already written the day before.
- At a recent staff meeting, I laughed and shouted "hello!" when someone used the phrase "penetrating our market." I then tried to pretend it had just been a sneeze.
- On multiple occasions, I have tried to open my office with my house key and my house with my office key. It takes me a lot longer to get through doors than it used to.
- A couple weeks back, I got furious because I couldn't get my coat on, only to look down and discover I had crammed my arm into my son's jacket. His gaze told me he would never respect me again. It also told me to stop stretching the fabric, fatty.
- In the last year, I have called my son by the cat's name and vice versa approximately one million times. Son now constantly assumes he's being yelled at for climbing the curtains.
- I have worn two different shoes and two different socks to work, but NOT on the same day. #smallvictories
- While making hot chocolate and thinking about marshmallows, I nearly lit my bathrobe on fire.
- Tried repeatedly to open my car door only to realize it was not my car door and was not even my kind of car. Also not the same color.
- I've gotten my Paxtons and Pullmans mixed up. (For you younger kids, that's like getting your Reynolds and Goslings mixed up.) THIS SHOULD NEVER HAPPEN TO ANYONE.
Have these kinds of things happened to anyone else? What are your worst exhaustion-induced incidents?
