Monday, February 11, 2013

So Tired: Feats of Exhaustion-Fueled Confusion, Clumsiness and Near Self-Immolation

I don't understand why people think they need alcohol to become uninhibited and stupid. All you need is to stop sleeping for 10 months straight and boom, it's like you've got a Woodchuck Cider buzz going 24/7. I know this for a fact because one, I love nothing more than a Woodchuck Cider buzz and two, as the new mother of a toddler, I've been chronically exhausted for almost a year now and it has made me painfully dumb. To whit:

  • The other night, I told my two-year-old in a very stern voice that he had better finish his spinach or he'd get a timeout. Yeah, um, we were eating chili.
  • At work, I spent three hours writing a document...that I had already written the day before.   
  • At a recent staff meeting, I laughed and shouted "hello!" when someone used the phrase "penetrating our market." I then tried to pretend it had just been a sneeze.  
  • On multiple occasions, I have tried to open my office with my house key and my house with my office key. It takes me a lot longer to get through doors than it used to.
  • A couple weeks back, I got furious because I couldn't get my coat on, only to look down and discover I had crammed my arm into my son's jacket. His gaze told me he would never respect me again. It also told me to stop stretching the fabric, fatty.
  • In the last year, I have called my son by the cat's name and vice versa approximately one million times. Son now constantly assumes he's being yelled at for climbing the curtains. 
  • I have worn two different shoes and two different socks to work, but NOT on the same day. #smallvictories
  • While making hot chocolate and thinking about marshmallows, I nearly lit my bathrobe on fire.
  • Tried repeatedly to open my car door only to realize it was not my car door and was not even my kind of car. Also not the same color. 
  • I've gotten my Paxtons and Pullmans mixed up. (For you younger kids, that's like getting your Reynolds and Goslings mixed up.) THIS SHOULD NEVER HAPPEN TO ANYONE.
Have these kinds of things happened to anyone else? What are your worst exhaustion-induced incidents? 


Jennifer said...

Last night the radio was playing the song "down in the hole" which is, of course, the opening theme song for every episode of The Wire, a show which my husband and I have watched every season of. When he recognized the song and joked, "I wonder where I know this from?" I was completely flummoxed. I not only didn't recognize the song, I had forgotten that the song existed entirely, even though I've heard it one million times. Yep, my kid is four months old.

Jen Anderson said...

Oh, I can never keep my Paxtons and Pullmans straight. I can picture the right ones in my head when I think of their names, but when I try to remember which one of them was in which movie, I'm just lost.

My grandparents always called their 6 kids by the wrong names. We always assumed it because there were so many of them, but maybe it was sleep deprivation. My Aunt Bea (the second youngest) used to take a bunch of us cousins camping and she'd call us by the wrong names too, running through them until she got to the right one. When she had her own kid, we all said she should name it Krisjensa, as in Kris-Jen-Sa(rah).

Anonymous said...

Add a couple of kids, a few more years of said "sleep deprivation" and you might find yourself at the top of a ski slope, never having skiied before and experiencing a fall, unrelated to actually skiing. Let's just say that one didn't stand up to get off of the chair lift in time, and was therefore pushed off of the chair lift by the instructor. One can blame slow reaction time on sleep deprivation, right?

Liz said...

Jennifer, I know exactly how you feel. I sat in the car the other day wracking my brain over a song only to think I had remembered it and them realized I had just remembered it wrong. Sigh. PS I love The Wire.

Jen, I love the combo name idea! If I could mix my husband's name in too with the cat and the kiddo, I'd be set!

Anonymous, at least you tried the skiing! I would have driven around for an hour trying to find the hill. :)