Possible Reasons Why I'm Being a Total Bitch To You Right Now

Yesterday at work, some guys were talking about how women can, at times, go completely and inexplicably insane. That got me thinking about the utter confusion that seems to beset most men when women get crabby. Like when Senator Clinton got huffy on the campaign trail, why did news outlets seem so shocked? Dudes, she's a woman on her feet all day. You're not shocked when the Wal-Mart clerk explodes. Why are you shocked now?

In an effort to expedite understanding between the genders, I offer this primer on reasons why women can, from time to time, get really cranky:

1) My hosiery is too hot. I guarantee you that at least 90 percent of the rage incidents involving women (and a fair number of men) result from uncomfortable hosiery. It's true. Just ask Margaret Thatcher before the Falklands War. Yeah. And in fact, Bruce Banner's original trigger was an itchy pair of L'Eggs, but Edward Norton was too much of a puss to portray it on screen.

2) My thong is riding up. Ever since The Man convinced America that visible panty line was worse than leprosy, more and more women have resorted to the Draconian underpants known as thongs. These things are like living, invasive creatures, and we cannot control where they go. Just think about that for a second.

3) My DVR erased the entire season of "Top Chef" before I could watch it. Yeah, honestly, it seems trivial but it's totally going to fuck with my brain chemistry. I sit down on the couch. I have a bag of popcorn in one hand, a bag of Nutter Butters in the other and I'm ready for some competitive cooking only to discover that God has wiped it from my DVR. Some Earth-bound, non-celestial sucker is going to have to pay for this and it might as well be you.

4) I haven't eaten in 17 days. Or at least it feels that way. Go to enough business lunches and social gathering where the other women shame you into not eating T-bones and it means you'll have to survive on salad alone. And men should know that eating salads is the equivalent of sucking air only the air is filled with roughage and gives you gas. Trust me, you wouldn't be smiling either.

5) These heels are so pointy, they have pounded my knees into my intestinal cavity. I don't even care whose fault this is. When my feet get that crucified feeling, I'm going to lay hands on whoever's closest.

6) Joss Whedon's "Dollhouse" got cancelled. I've been pre-emptively angry for months now.

7) Neil Patrick Harris continues to be gay. The dude side of the genetic tree produces Neil Patrick Harris and then you keep him to yourselves. Way to be selfish, guys.

8) I just don't like the looks of you. You seem shifty. And would it kill you to wear a tie to dinner?

9) You just slept with my best friend favorite author Cocker Spaniel Neil Patrick Harris sister and are lying about it. What did the dog ever do to you?

10) The office clothes horse just told me I look "cute." The remark comes from a woman wearing leopard skin. She looks me up and down, does one of those fake Gwyneth Paltrow smiles and tells me I look cute, which is woman talk for "what the hell are you wearing?" Thoughts of "Wild Kingdom" come to mind and I find myself hoping a pack of hyenas will descend and savage her. Sadly, this does not happen and my only defense is "Yeah, well...." And then I drink.