Monday, February 18, 2013

Abrams Over Lucas: Why Ford Will Have the Greatest Star Wars Experience Of His Life

"I swear I used pressure-treated wood on those cabinets."
You may recall last week a rumor surfaced that Harrison Ford will be involved in the next Star Wars movie as Han Solo and not as Han Solo's older grizzled neighbor shooing Ewoks off his lawn. Personally, I think this is great news, although I can understand others whose adolescence was not officially launched by the sight of Harrison Ford shooting stormtroopers being less than thrilled with the news because hey, now there's an old guy cluttering up my J.J. Abrams movie. However the audience ends up feeling about this, though, Harrison Ford should be feeling extremely lucky that it's Abrams and Disney and not George Lucas resurrecting this behemoth of a franchise.

Why? Oh, because:

1) Ford will get to go to a set and interact with other humans and enjoy the bounty of craft service rather than calling in his lines over a dodgy cell phone line and being CGI'd onto the body of a make-believe Ryan Reynolds. This would absolutely happen with a Lucas version. He does it every Christmas with his family gatherings. FACT. (Not really.)

2) Abrams and Disney will spring for real live screenwriters (like Lawrence Kasdan) who can write with words and such. George Lucas would hire himself again. But George Lucas cannot write. To be more specific, he cannot write dialogue that does not make you wish for the return of silent film. The most common expression on the face of past Star Wars actors is one of shame. Ford likely won't have to be embarrassed cashing in on this payday. He'll still be angry and crazy, but not embarrassed.

3) Ford will experience the shining glory of a lens flare. As my brilliant friend Mickie once said, "Harrison Ford was a carpenter. Just like Jesus." So true. And now he'll have the lighting to match.

4) Ford won't have to hear about how his carpentry work has gone to hell. To whit:
Lucas: Remember that cabinet you built for me in 1974? The one next to the fridge? It creaks like a Jawa Sandcrawler. Every single time I reach for the peanut butter.
Ford: George, I'm in the middle of riding a Taunton.
Lucas: I think you should have used pressure-treated wood. Did you use pressure-treated wood?
Ford: I don't remember.
Lucas: Did you keep the receipt?
Ford: I don't think...
Lucas: Can you check with your accountant?
Production assistant trying to hold Taunton head bursts an abdominal hernia. And scene...

5) If all goes well, Abrams and Disney also will hire Carrie Fisher to reprise her role as Princess Leia. Fisher will score Ford the greatest prescription narcotics known to man. Harrison Ford will never feel better and will give the greatest performance of his career. Oscar = in the bag.  

These movies are going to be awesome.


CrazyCris said...

I'd definitely prefer an ageing Han Solo and Princess Leia (to introduce a a younger generation off on adventures) rather than the sacrilegious recasting of those roles!!! I wonder if she's still calling him a scruffy nerf-herder after so many years of marriage? :p

Donald Livingston said...

I'm afraid I must comment on point 5. Regardless of whether one is in favor of Harrison Ford being brought back to the Star Wars franchise (or not), nobody, and I do mean NOBODY with a single firing synapse wants to see Carrie Fisher brought into this. While both Ford and Fisher are well past their prime, Ford has had the good fortune to weather the years well, something Fisher has not been able to do. Bringing her back into the mix would destroy the idealized vision that millions of men who grew-up in the 80's still treasure - Princess Leia in a gold bikini.

Jen Anderson said...

Liz, well said.

Donald, just because Carrie Fisher is no longer as fuckable as Megan Fox, that doesn't mean she would sully a Star Wars film by her mere presence. She's no longer in any shape to kick ass and take names like she did in the other films, but she can still play comedy well and run the galaxy. She was a member of the Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission long before she was fan wank.