News of the Day

+ If you're into massive multiplayer online games or as the acronym enthusiasts call them, MMOGs, and you love Firefly, boy, are you in for a treat! The Multiverse network, Inc., recently announced that Firefly will be transformed into a MMOG that will be available for play later this year.

“Fox’s Firefly series is set in an incredibly rich and exciting universe. It’s going to make a very compelling and unique online experience filled with adventure, humor, and mystery,” said Corey Bridges, Multiverse co-founder and Executive Producer. “It’s our hope that Firefly’s passionate and dedicated community of fans will enjoy the chance to become part of the story as they develop and explore the worlds of Firefly.”

Oooooh. All I can say is, there better be a virtual shop where my virtual me can buy an orange Jayne hat.

[From the Samurai Gunslinger]

+ I missed the return of the late night talk shows the other night...and then missed them again last night. If you missed them, too, Defamer put together a helpful video so you can compare and contrast which hosts did better -- those with writers or those without. I gotta say, whether this whole thing ends well or not, at least we got Conan and Dave and their sexy strike beards.

+ The marketing folks for "Lost" launched another one of those crazy, head-scratching viral websites that I like so much. It's been launch under the guise that Oceanic Air is returning to the skies. The husband of a lost Flight 815 stewardess is not so happy about it. Check it out at www.flyoceanicair.com. And don't forget to check out the press release available at the bottom of the page. Is it wrong that I enjoy being yanked around like this by a TV show?

+ Gawker ran a funny item yesterday about how just mentioning Ron Paul in your blog will boost your traffic and how people are exploiting that, which I think is just disgraceful. So disgraceful, in fact, I'm going to have to mention his name again. Here it comes: Al Gore may have invented the internet, but Ron Paul has hijacked the damn thing. Now excuse me, I have to go check my site meter.

+ Has anyone ever read the Max and Pinky graphic novels? I'd never heard of it before yesterday when NPR ran a story on its creator. I'm intrigued. It looks cute.

Who's Your Bad Daddy? Our Worst Fictional Dads

Thanks to a creative crew of Park Bench readers, we've got our list of Worst Fathers in preparation for the big Hallmark day next week. We've got go-kart drivers on the list, ET-lovers, platinum blond magicians and a blocked writer -- the scariest one of all!

DARTH VADER / Star Wars
Let's face it -- he may have blown up a few planets, cut off his son's hand, bifurcated his mentor and given asthmatics a bad name but we all kinda love him. It's the little kid Darth Vader that rots our socks. Friends with Jar Jar? That puts him on the list right there.

GEORGE BLUTH / Arrested Development
He built model homes for Saddam Hussein, poisoned people with muffins, invented the skin-blistering Cornballer and drove his poor responsible son Michael crazy. His worst crime though? He joined the Blue Man Group. Oh George....

JACK TORRANCE / The Shining
All work and no play made Jack a crazy frickin' lunatic but he sure was entertaining. Equally dexterous with a baseball bat or an axe, Jack still found time to crack jokes while going insane and tormenting his family in that haunted hotel in the mountains. And admit it -- you kinda wanted Shelley Duvall gone too, didn't you?

LUCIUS MALFOY / Harry Potter
This pure blood wizard lovin' father of widow-peaked Draco Malfoy never fails to look stunning with his flowing white hair and blistering stare. Sadly, this stunner is bewitched by Voldemort and known to be a Death Eater. That'll be a bitch for Draco to explain at Career Day, although I guess it's no worse than the old man always trying to kill Dumbledore.

KING OF ALL COSMOS / Katamari Damacy
Our one and only video game dad, this greedy devil accidentally destroyed all of the stars in the cosmos. Oops. Now he's instructed his son to collect all of the objects on Earth (cows included!) and turn them into replacement stars. Speaking of clumsy, he also accidentally caused a tsunami. The French porn star mustache is apparently on purpose though. Double oops.

HUMBERT HUMBERT / Lolita
Got married to a woman so he could get "close" to her underage nymphette daughter. That's not good. And in the movie, he killed Shelley Winters. No one messes with Shelley in my book. (I'm looking at you Poseidon Adventure!)

CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN / The X Files
Jeez, what didn't ol' CGB Spender do? Lemme see. Conspired to allow aliens to colonize the Earth. Check. Tried to murder his son Jeffrey. Check. Orchestrated Scully's kidnapping. Yup. Ordered Krycek to kill Bill Mulder. Check. Had an affair with Mulder's mom. Eww and check. May have had an affair with Mulder's ex girlfriend. Ewww times ten. Was a heavy smoker, bad novelist and may have killed Kennedy. At least he wasn't lazy.

CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD / Lost
Booze hound and resident undead guy, he fathered Claire so there's one strike. He fathered Jack. There's two big strikes. Add in the "had an affair with Jack's ex-wife" and the killing of a few patients, and it's pretty clear he's not going to get many "World's #1 Dad" mugs.

ROYAL TENENBAUM / The Royal Tenenbaums
It's hard to tell with Royal if he's intentionally a crappy dad or just the world's most socially inept man over 50. He fakes cancer to get back into the family fold, intentionally shot his son Chas with a BB gun and stole from him (but seriously, who hasn't wanted to do that to Ben Stiller from time to time) and constantly tells his daughter she's adopted. But he's played by Gene Hackman so you've gotta love him just a little.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK / Star Trek
Khaaaaaaaannnn!!!!!! Sorry. I can never resist. The dude forgot he even had a son, even though it was that geeky kid from Square Pegs. How could you forget something like that? You'd have to be a major league self-loving ego maniacal girdle-wearing crazy to forget you had a...oh wait.

Great Moments in World History...TV style

Let's face it. Most of us learned everything we know about history from watching TV. Here's a recap of what we know so far:

When dinosaurs ruled the Earth...they were made of polystyrene foam and set human evolution back millions of years by not eating these creepy kids:


Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia, the Egyptian people were actually cerebral, banjo playing stand-up comedians whose agents built the pyramids between cell phone calls.


While Shakespeare was getting all couplet-y with the sonnets and legendary with the plays, the powerful, hosiery-clad calves of Hugh Laurie and Rowan Atkinson were making him look like a soft old hack. Loser.


Fort Sumter, huh? Someone put Baby in a corner...and that someone was Abraham Lincoln. Patrick Swayze uses the Civil War and Dukes of Hazard fonts on his miniseries poster to fight back. Death, destruction and dirty dancing ensue.


The Great Depression? Not so depressing. Not with all those Waltons and all that goodnighting of the John Boy.


Except for the death, destruction and nuclear fallout, World War II turned out to be a merry romp led by pornography-loving Hogan, his heroes and that dim-witted Schultz, the nicest faux Nazi since Captain Von Trapp.


And the future's looking bright. Because it will be populated by apes with a penchant for lawn design, including an especially thoughtful placement of Miss Liberty.


Don't worry. Martha Stewart will save us. Or at least the well-dressed, organized people.