Let's face it. Most of us learned everything we know about history from watching TV. Here's a recap of what we know so far:
When dinosaurs ruled the Earth...they were made of polystyrene foam and set human evolution back millions of years by not eating these creepy kids:
Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia, the Egyptian people were actually cerebral, banjo playing stand-up comedians whose agents built the pyramids between cell phone calls.
While Shakespeare was getting all couplet-y with the sonnets and legendary with the plays, the powerful, hosiery-clad calves of Hugh Laurie and Rowan Atkinson were making him look like a soft old hack. Loser.
Fort Sumter, huh? Someone put Baby in a corner...and that someone was Abraham Lincoln. Patrick Swayze uses the Civil War and Dukes of Hazard fonts on his miniseries poster to fight back. Death, destruction and dirty dancing ensue.
The Great Depression? Not so depressing. Not with all those Waltons and all that goodnighting of the John Boy.
Except for the death, destruction and nuclear fallout, World War II turned out to be a merry romp led by pornography-loving Hogan, his heroes and that dim-witted Schultz, the nicest faux Nazi since Captain Von Trapp.
And the future's looking bright. Because it will be populated by apes with a penchant for lawn design, including an especially thoughtful placement of Miss Liberty.
Don't worry. Martha Stewart will save us. Or at least the well-dressed, organized people.