What We've Learned From the Horror Classics

Aliens: Guys, just leave the planet ALONE! See also: every other sci-fi space horror movie ever made.

Halloween: Trick or treating is safe; babysitting is not. In fact, at four bucks an hour, it's murder!

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: “Don't mess with Texas” is NOT just a suggestion.

Hostel: Room rates that cheap? There’s always a catch.

Friday the 13th: When it comes to a choice between playing a competitive board game or sleeping with Kevin Bacon, always choose the board game. Top prize for the winner? Not being eviscerated.

The Shining: Six weeks with Shelley Duvall will DRIVE YOU INSANE!

Psycho: The fastidious always get whacked a.k.a you don’t have to shower EVERY day, lady. It's bad for your roots.

The Amityville Horror: No matter what the asking price, a house with bleeding walls is NOT a bargain. Unless it's in a really cute neighborhood.

Dawn of the Dead: When you see a zombie lumbering at you at .002 miles per hour, DON’T stand around and wait for it. It’s not coming at you for a tickle.

The Thing: When traveling to the Antarctic always bring the following items -- sweaters, hot cocoa, one or two huskies, a good pair of boots, and oh yes, your own personal airplane to escape in when murderous parasites take over your colleagues. Also, marshmallows for the hot cocoa.

By Ms. C and Liz

Nerd Man of the Month: James Gunn

When you cower at the thought of giant alien slugs trying to pry their way into Nathan Fillion's orifices or when you've had three bottles of Boone's Farm and spend the entire night watching and re-watching Sarah Michelle Gellar in Scooby-Doo or when you accidentally wet yourself in fear while watching Dawn of the Dead, who do you blame? I actually can't answer that for you, but I can tell you who you should be blaming. That'd be James Gunn, writer, director, occasional actor and recipient of the prized Nerd Man of the Month honor for July.

If you're married to my husband like I am, then you've probably seen a lot of James Gunn's work because, seriously, we have quite the extensive collection (sans Scooby Doo). We've got Gunn's masterwork, Slither, a very funny, very scary film and very gross film featuring the aforementioned slugs and the aforementioned Nathan Fillion. We've got Dawn of the Dead, a recent classic addition to the zombie hall of fame. (Which is located right next door to the Hockey Hall of Fame. It's weird, I know.) We've had Tromeo and Juliet, described on imdb as "a modern punk adaptation of Shakespeare's classic," which, uh, doesn't really do it justice. I think we may have lost that one. On purpose. Don't tell my husband. And we've got Lollilove, starring James and written and directed by his wife, Jenna Fischer of The Office. Gunn is hilarious as one half of a self-centered Hollywood couple who decide to help homeless people by giving them lollipops. It's one of the meanest, funniest movies I've seen in ages and is highly recommended.

Gunn earns July's top nerdy honor, too, because of his wickedly funny blog, which I've mentioned in previous posts. If you ever wanted to know what it's like to interview a prostitute in Amsterdam or get a bug trapped in your ear or how many times you can reasonably use the word "motherfucker" and all its derivations in a sentence, James is your man. Also, he's good to dogs and his brother is Sean Gunn from the late, lamented Gilmore Girls. So for all the people who find my blog by googling "Sean Gunn's chest," now you know who Sean Gunn's chest's brother is, too.

Now let's all go watch Slither. Fillion wrassles a slug-possessed deer!