Nerd Man of the Month: Ira Glass

I am thinking gigantic thoughts right now.

There are some people who make you feel smarter just by association. That's why the thousands of people who listen each week to Ira Glass hosting "This American Life" often immediately run off and do "The New York Times" crossword puzzle blindfolded or find a Mensa member to shame in a story problem showdown. Besides boosting our intellectual self-esteem, Glass also exudes likability by being exactly like every smart boy best friend we ever had in high school, the ones who would stay home with us on Saturday nights watching reruns of "The Prisoner" or stand in line with us every time another movie with robots or aliens or preferably both opened.

Glass created "This American Life" in 1995 and has hosted it ever since, including its new-ish incarnation as a TV series on Showtime. For those who have never heard it, "This American Life" is a slice of storytelling bliss. Centered on a different theme each week, the hour-long show features spellbinding true and fictional tales that never, ever fail to grab your attention from beginning to end. Sometimes the stories are funny, sometimes they're odd, sometimes they're sad but they are always of extraordinary quality.

And just imagine, without Glass, the world might have been deprived of David Sedaris. Is that a world we want want to live in? I think not.

Aside from his fine geeky radio voice and the fact that he can rock a pair of spectacles like nobody's business - a trademark of fine nerds everywhere -- Glass is certifiably brainy, having earned a degree in semiotics (yes, I had to look the word up) from Brown University, which is one of those schools with the ivy all over it. Further nerd cred is earned with the fact that he has worked in public radio for 30 years, which is the human equivalent of going to college 400 times. Over the years, he worked as a reporter and host on all the public radio giants including "All Things Considered," "Morning Edition" and "Talk of the Nation."

If you've not seen or heard Glass yourself, here's a taste of his endearingly amiable and laid-back style as he talks with David Letterman about wives, chickens and angry public radio fans:

So, for being a likeable brainiac who enriches our lives with unforgettable stories each and every week and also on Showtime when we can sneak free cable from our neighbors, The Park Bench is pleased to name Ira Glass as its June Nerd Man of the Month.

Nerd Man of the Month: Neil Gaiman

Saucy AND literate!

Okay, ladies, I'm going to come right out and admit that I've only just begun my Neil Gaiman education. So, much as I was with David Tennant's Nerd Man recognition, I'm pretty much a neophyte singing the praises of our authorial honoree this month rather than a seasoned acolyte shouting my encyclopedic fan knowledge from the rooftops. So please bear with me as I shakily tip The Park Bench's nerdy hat in Mr. Gaiman's honor. Please bear in mind, too, that I'll be counting on you to fill in all the things I've missed.

Right now, I'm nose deep in "Fragile Things," a wonderful collection of Gaiman stories that merges Murakami-esque surrealism with a dash of Tim Burton, a wee bit of Stephen King, a smidge of Charles Addams and an ethereal, delicate sensibility purely and totally Gaiman's own. And yes, with each turn of the page, my literary crush is growing. This guy deserves recognition -- well beyond a Park Bench honor -- simply because he's a brilliant writer with a mind that brings wonderfully unimagined worlds to life.

Gaiman's collection of work extends well beyond my toe-in-the-water reference to "Fragile Things." He's probably best known as the author of "The Sandman" comic books, a number of children's books including the recent "The Graveyard Book" and "Coraline" which has been turned into a stop-motion film set to debut in January. He's also set to pen the end of Batman for DC Comics in 2009. But perhaps most impressive of all, his first book was a biography of Duran Duran. The man has documented the life of Simon LeBon! Nice.

Happily, Gaiman's nerdy goodness extends even beyond his way with curious plot lines and disturbing imagery; he's also got a fabulous journal that is instantly addictive from paragraph one. It's a compelling, funny and earnest account of a writer's life, like a less-mannered John Hodgman blog but with bigger words and fewer references to hobos.

Neil Gaiman is the best kind of nerd. He's smart, funny, literate, has a passion for his work and knack for blazing new paths. And he wrote an episode of "Babylon Five." In short, chicks like intelligent men and this guy uses the OED and the magnifying glass that comes with it, so let's all do the math here: Gaiman is the geeky ideal and that's why we're pleased to name him our November Nerd Man of the Month.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some reading to do.

ETA: Thank you to Ruth for the suggestion!

Nerd Man of the Month: The Legendary Neil Patrick Harris

All I can say is, thank God that Neil Patrick Harris finally participated in a Joss Whedon project so we can officially stamp "nerd" all over him. (And yes, I'm picturing that stamping right now.) Sure, NPH qualified for nerdiness by playing pre-teen doctor Doogie Howser all those years ago, but the Whedon stamp really seals it. You know, like how the Chiquita sticker makes a banana taste that much more banana-y? Simply put, "Dr. Horrible" gives us the perfect excuse to bow down before Barney himself and name this tasty muffin of masculinity our Nerd Man of the Month.

Has any former child actor had a better career renaissance than Neil Patrick Harris? And was there ever anything better to spur that renaissance than his appearance as himself in "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle?" From the moment we saw him sniffing cocaine off a naked chick and getting fresh with that Toyota Corolla upholstery, well, America (and I) were smitten. Which surely says something awful about my psyche, but let's not dwell on that, shall we?

And now NPH's stolen our hearts all over again -- sans cocaine and stripper because, c'mon, we've all grown up a little, haven't we? -- with his portrayal of Barney on CBS' "How I Met Your Mother." He suits up every week, says horrible things, scores with scores of ladies whose names he'll never remember and damn if he isn't adorable every step of the way. Every second he's on the screen, he demands our attention. I feel sorry for all the other actors on that show because seriously, at one time or another, they've all been in his shadow. Even Alyson Hannigan, which is blasphemy for a Buffy fan and will no doubt earn me a place in "Buffy" hell. (A place where they just keep showing Season 7 over and over again and we never, ever see Giles.)

Seriously, Neil Patrick Harris is, well, legendary as Barney. Just check out these clips, including his delivery below of a joke that will go down in my book as one of the top ten sitcom moments of all time. So simple, so pure. It is magic, especially if, like me, you kinda hate milk:



And who can forget Barney on The Price Is Right, meeting his "father" Bob Barker for the first time:



And now with his turn as the forlorn Dr. Horrible, a guy just trying to get by and be as bad as he can be, Neil has earned an even bigger place in our hearts. He can sing. He can be dastardly. He can be romantic. And he can go toe-to-toe with the finest thing to come out of Canada since that nice, round bacon: Nathan Fillion. That's saying something. In fact, it's saying he's awesome.

Plus, let's face it, Neil Patrick Harris is just hands-down hot. Even my husband thinks so. And, as a couple, we're totally okay with that. At least until one of us gets his phone number...

And so, without further ado, The Park Bench is pleased to name Neil Patrick Harris as July's Nerd Man of the Month.

Nerd Man of the Month: Patrick Stewart

Please forgive me for bypassing the democratic process and going all dictatorial for this month's Nerd Man honors. I just couldn't let another month go by without honoring one of the gods of nerdiness, Patrick "my voice is like soft British butter" Stewart.

There's so much to love about Patrick Stewart. First, check out those biceps! Holy cow, they're like a force of nature! And I bet he makes the "gun show" joke constantly. Oh, also, he's a really good actor. From his role in "I, Claudius," where he rocked a tunic, sandals AND a toupee like a champ to his role as Captain Jean-Luc Picard in "Star Trek: The Next Generation" (aka "the best Star Trek") to his role as Professor Xavier in "The X-Men" films, the guy is a stud of the nerdy genres.

In all seriousness, Stewart deserves kudos for taking the cheese out of "Star Trek" and bringing a much needed gravitas to the role of Picard. He made you care about the Frenchman and the duties he shouldered. (Just an aside, if Picard was French, why did he have a British accent? Does this confirm my suspicion that in the future France will get completely drunk and let England invade with nary a watery burp from the masses?) And anyone with a pulse would have wet themselves just a bit in Star Trek's "Best of Both Worlds" episode when Stewart turned to the camera, all Borg-fied with that little laser light strapped to the side of his head and intoned "I am Locutus of Borg. Resistance is futile." I get a big nerd shiver just thinking about it.

Stewart then went on to do "The X-Men" series of films and continues to do stellar work, most recently appearing on Broadway in "Macbeth." And who doesn't love his "A Christmas Carol" one-man show?

Frankly, it all boils down to the voice. Yeah, he's a good lookin' dude. And yeah, he made bald and middle-aged sexy. But that honey-sweet voice with its deep melodious tone...well, let's face it, nine out of ten women would buy anything that man is selling. Let's all go smoke our cigarettes now, shall we?

Nerd Man of the Month: Robert Downey, Jr.

The votes have been counted and this month's Nerd Man honors go to Robert Downey Jr. At first blush, you might think, "Robert Downey Jr? He's no kind of nerd man." Ah, but let me put forth a few salient points here: first, he's currently starring as a computer/engineering brainiac who likes to build giant robots and fly around in them in "Ironman" (cue Black Sabbath music); two, he dated Sarah Jessica Parker closer to her "Square Pegs" years than her "Sex and the City" years and three, well, who cares about three -- have you seen this picture?


Yes, he's such a badass, he can blow torch his own thigh...and not even flinch.

Seriously, though, Downey earns the honors this month for making "Ironman" such an enjoyable treat for fans and non-fans alike of the original comic book. He does what few other actors ever do in summer action flicks -- he actually acts. Aside from a questionable choice in facial hair man-scaping, Downey is flawless in this movie, giving Tony Stark a wonderful mix of humor, sarcasm, intensity, sexiness and intelligence.

I've been a fan of Downey and his extraordinary eyelashes from the moment I first saw him in a "Saturday Night Live" skit 20 years ago playing a supermodel trapped on a deserted island clutching a stuffed tiger. You had to be there, but trust me, it was good. He's a wonderful actor who always brings something different to each of his roles -- in fact, if you've never seen him in "Chaplin," rent it this weekend. He doesn't fly but he does do a fine British accent which, for an American, may be even harder than the flying thing.

For putting the snark back into sexy and for making a summer movie shine, The Park Bench is pleased to award May's Nerd Man of the Month honors to Robert Downey Jr. Let the salivating begin...

Nerd Man of the Month: John Krasinski

He’s tall. He’s lanky. He’s got hair that has “insouciant” written all over it – which sounds weird but you know what I mean. Yes, he’s John Krasinski, The Park Bench’s Nerd Man of the Month honoree for March. With a flurry of last minute voting, our man John crushed poor Adam Baldwin and left Shatner in the dirt. It was a victory worthy of the man who has come to embody every woman’s dream of The Perfect Office Boyfriend. Plus, he’s worn leather hats with George Clooney. I can think of no finer character reference.

On “The Office,” Krasinski – or as I like to call him, “The Tall Drink of Water Who Slakes Our Thursday Night Thirsts" (TTDOWWSOTNT, for short) – earned our love as Jim Halpert, the man who pined for and eventually won the heart of Jenna Fischer’s Pam Beesley. And given that Pam has more than a hint of the nerd about her, well, that office romance has been a Post-It waving, dancing on the desk-style victory for geeky women everywhere.

When Krasinski’s name was first put on the ballot for Nerd Man of the Month honors, some suggested that perhaps he was too traditionally handsome, too – dare I say it? – sexy to lead the nerd-man charge. If one digs deep enough, though, you’ll find more than enough nerd cred in his CV. For one thing, he’s an Ivy League graduate and holds a degree in playwriting...with honors. I’m betting his dorm shelves were filled with more Mamet than Miller Lite. And he’s written and directed a film adaptation of David Foster Wallace’s Brief Interviews With Hideous Men, which IMDB tells me is due out this year. Honestly, people deserve medals just for finishing Wallace's books let alone adapting them, so we know for sure TTDOWWSOTNT’s pants are of the smarty variety. And if one thing is certain – we nerdy women love the brainiacs. So much so, we forgive them for making movies with Mandy Moore.

For all the sweet gentle humor he brings to “The Office,” for being tall and floppy haired, for his spot-on Dwight Schrute impressions and for being a very smart dude, The Park Bench is pleased to name John Krasinski as its March Nerd Man of the Month.

Nerd Man of the Month: Conan O'Brien

Nothing says sexy nerd like a tall, pasty Harvard grad named after a Schwarzenegger barbarian. Which is why we’ve selected Conan O’Brien as our February Nerd Man of the Month.


Not only is the "Late Night with Conan O’Brien" host wickedly funny, he also boasts some seriously strong nerd credentials. Wikipedia, our modern day Delphic oracle, tells me Conan was not only editor of his high school newspaper, he was also valedictorian. He went on to Harvard where he made funny with the Harvard Lampoon and even graduated magna cum laude. And he was a congressional intern which means he wore a skinny tie and no doubt lost his innocence to a lonely Eleanor Holmes Norton.

Best of all, the guy also wrote for The Simpsons. Writing for a cultural icon like The Simpsons earns automatic entry into the Nerd Man Pantheon, which I’ve also taken to calling the Nerd Man Pantherdome because it sounds like a place where sophisticates could sit back on a comfortable sofa, drink Cosmos and watch lab-coated male strippers debate red versus green kryptonite.

But back to Conan. He’s a talent juggernaut, having turned a struggling late night talk show into a cool-ly ridiculous must-see, thereby inflicting horrific insomnia on seekers of good comedy everywhere. And let’s not forget that if it weren’t for Conan, millions of us would never have found our plush human love toy, Andy Richter, Late Night’s former sidekick whom I adore with a passion usually reserved for puppies and candy-coated sunshine.

Recently, Conan endeared himself to millions more fans with his awesomely absurd feud with Comedy Central’s Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. The three men fighting – quite literally – over who “made” Mike Huckabee is pure comedy gold. Check it out for yourself:



And if that’s not enough, check out the outtakes:



For being funny and bringing honor to America's gingers and for singing “Hunka, hunka burning love” not ten feet away from me one evening many, many years ago, The Park Bench is pleased to honor Conan O’Brien with its Nerd Man of the Month Award. We hope the success doesn’t go to his tall, barbarian head.

Nerd Man of the Month: Alton Brown

Foodie Alton Brown is a girl nerd's dream: he can cook for us AND explain all the cool culinary science behind what makes that food taste good. As the host of the Food Network's "Good Eats" and my personal favorite, "Feasting on Asphalt," Alton makes food and the chemistry of food seem like the most fascinating thing in the world. "Good Eats" is half-cooking show, half-Mr. Wizard and, uh, half-pop culture variety show. (Okay, maybe those should have been "thirds.") And with "Feasting on Asphalt," Alton took viewers on two inspiring and sometimes touching journeys to roadside diners and family-run restaurants along the side roads and byways crossing the U.S. and running the length of the Mississippi River.

As if that wasn't enough, Alton also serves as host of the American version of "Iron Chef," helping us forget the horror that was the first Shatner-hosted incarnation. And he's published three books -- I'm Just Here For the Food, Alton Brown's Gear For Your Kitchen (which makes me want every kitchen gadget ever invented...and I don't even cook) and I'm Just Here For More Food, all about baking.

Alton's true genius lies in making food seem accessible...and looking good in glasses. He shows, clearly and concisely, that good food is a science, one that can be deciphered with the proper amount of passion and study. Knowing and understanding food will make even the simplest concoction taste better. Plus, who doesn't love to take Alton's little biscuits of knowledge and toss them out at dinner parties. Thanks to Alton, we all look at least 20 percent smarter than we are.

Plus, you gotta love a guy whose website sells these t-shirts:


So far all these reasons and also because his website shows us how to safely deep fry an entire Butterball, the Park Bench is pleased to name Alton Brown as its January Nerd Man of the Month.

Nine Out of Ten Cougars Agree: Michael Cera Makes a Fine Nerd Man of the Month

On behalf of all women over the age of 25, I would like to start by saying, "Please God, forgive us for finding Michael Cera adorable. It's entirely your fault for giving him doe eyes. Amen."

And now, with that out of the way and with the merest hint of moral trepidation still resonating in our consciences, the old ladies of The Park Bench are pleased to name Michael Cera -- totally of legal age -- our December Nerd Man of the Month.

So, besides the doe eyes, what earns Cera this prestigious honor, coveted by so many and attained by so few? Well, for one thing, the kid's hilarious. His turn as George Michael Bluth in "Arrested Development" should go down in TV history as one of the funniest deadpan portrayals of teenage awkwardness ever captured on film. George Michael was the heart of that show, a good kid saddled with the most messed up family this side of a Meredith Baxter Birney Lifetime movie. Whatever happened to George Michael -- whether it was his hilariously unfortunate crush on his cousin or the forced bonding with his dad -- you just felt wonderfully sorry for the kid. In any other actor's hands, George Michael could have turned into a miserable little bastard. In Cera's capable hands, George Michael became the most sympathetic character on the show, enduring every unfortunate turn with that sad resigned smile, waiting to see what fresh hell awaited him next.

On the big screen, Cera has made his mark with two terrific performances in "Superbad" and "Juno." Tall and gangly, seemingly uncertain where to put those long arms and legs of his, Cera is the perfect nerd everyman. He's shy but self confident, willing to bend to keep the peace but not above showing those little flares of anger that give a character three dimensions. Watch those two movies one after the other and you'll marvel at the distinctive shades Cera gives each role. I'm telling you right now: the kid's going to win an Academy Award one day. Then again, I never saw the Fresh Prince and Marky Mark nominations coming last year, so what the hell do I know about the Oscars?

Cera wins nerd man honors, too, for the fact that he's a creative force unto himself. Just check out the online TV series he does with Clark Duke, and you'll find a guy still in his teens who can write subtle comedy with the ease and finesse of someone twice his age. Need some persuading? Watch his "Impossible Is the Opposite of Possible" self-help video:



And finally, he's Canadian and you know how much we nerds love the Canadians.

Nerd Man of the Month: Nathan Fillion

This past week, People Magazine -- also known as The Big Book of Pictures -- named Matt Damon its annual Sexiest Man Alive. Far more important, however, was the ranking on page 144 wherein they included Nathan Fillion in their "Domestic Bliss" section, which was nestled between their Men in Sexy Places section and their Sexy and Shirtless section, neither of which I looked through seven or eight times.

There are two significant facts you should know about Nathan's inclusion in the "Domestic Bliss" section. One, he gave the best quote in the whole magazine: "There are black widow spiders in my backyard, coyotes walking down the streets, killer bees, rattlesnakes -- there's so much around L.A. that'll kill you!" And second, his glamor shot was one of the worst Photoshopped images I've ever seen. Don't the editors of People Magazine know the cardinal rule? You don't Photoshop Nathan Fillion's face. In fact, I'm fairly certain that was one of the original Ten Commandments: When thine Canadian Nathan Fillion appears unto you, thou shalt not ruin his prettiness with thine Erase tool.* Right?

In order to defray the sadness of the poorly Photoshopped Nathan, The Park Bench is naming him its November Nerd Man of the Month. We have bestowed this honor upon him for other significant reasons as well including the fact that:

He can fly a space ship. How cool is that?


Okay, he might not actually know how to fly a space ship, but I bet he knows people who can.

Also, he's a terrific, under-appreciated actor who shines in anything he does, from his days as Captain Mal in "Firefly" to his appearances in "Lost" and "Buffy" to his role as a sweet, confused and sympathetic ob/gyn in "Waitress" to his role as a sweet, confused and sympathetic ob/gyn in "Desperate Housewives" (I'm sensing a pattern here) to his hilarious yet heroic turn (he battled a deranged deer!!) as Bill Pardy in "SLiTHER."


And most important of all, the man's damn funny. Just check out his three faces of soap opera acting:



For all this and yes, for his ability to wear tight pants, we bestow our shallow Park Bench love on Nathan Fillion and welcome him to the Nerd Man pantheon.

*The rule was amended years later to read: Thou shalt not Photoshop Nathan Fillion unless it's to make it look like he was your date at the senior prom. As the Pope said at the time, "That's just common sense."

Nerd Man of the Month: James Gunn

When you cower at the thought of giant alien slugs trying to pry their way into Nathan Fillion's orifices or when you've had three bottles of Boone's Farm and spend the entire night watching and re-watching Sarah Michelle Gellar in Scooby-Doo or when you accidentally wet yourself in fear while watching Dawn of the Dead, who do you blame? I actually can't answer that for you, but I can tell you who you should be blaming. That'd be James Gunn, writer, director, occasional actor and recipient of the prized Nerd Man of the Month honor for July.

If you're married to my husband like I am, then you've probably seen a lot of James Gunn's work because, seriously, we have quite the extensive collection (sans Scooby Doo). We've got Gunn's masterwork, Slither, a very funny, very scary film and very gross film featuring the aforementioned slugs and the aforementioned Nathan Fillion. We've got Dawn of the Dead, a recent classic addition to the zombie hall of fame. (Which is located right next door to the Hockey Hall of Fame. It's weird, I know.) We've had Tromeo and Juliet, described on imdb as "a modern punk adaptation of Shakespeare's classic," which, uh, doesn't really do it justice. I think we may have lost that one. On purpose. Don't tell my husband. And we've got Lollilove, starring James and written and directed by his wife, Jenna Fischer of The Office. Gunn is hilarious as one half of a self-centered Hollywood couple who decide to help homeless people by giving them lollipops. It's one of the meanest, funniest movies I've seen in ages and is highly recommended.

Gunn earns July's top nerdy honor, too, because of his wickedly funny blog, which I've mentioned in previous posts. If you ever wanted to know what it's like to interview a prostitute in Amsterdam or get a bug trapped in your ear or how many times you can reasonably use the word "motherfucker" and all its derivations in a sentence, James is your man. Also, he's good to dogs and his brother is Sean Gunn from the late, lamented Gilmore Girls. So for all the people who find my blog by googling "Sean Gunn's chest," now you know who Sean Gunn's chest's brother is, too.

Now let's all go watch Slither. Fillion wrassles a slug-possessed deer!

Nerd Man of the Month: Wil Wheaton

In a way, it's inevitable that someone who wore a unitard on Star Trek: The Next Generation and wrote a book called Just a Geek would make it into the pantheon of Nerd Men of the Month. Beyond his nerd street cred, though, Wil Wheaton earns his Nerd Man honor because of his wickedly funny sense of humor, his deft writing style, his ability to make fun of his Star Trek past while still tipping his hat to its cultural importance and finally, for pioneering the art of blogging. Since the day it began, Wheaton has infused his blog with equal measures of goofiness, pop culture criticism and an intriguing look at what it's like to be a working actor. And damn if I didn't get just a little bit choked up after reading his post about his son graduating from high school. Plus, the guy knows Patrick Stewart (le rowr), starred in Stand By Me, almost single-handedly made Fark famous and is a bad ass Texas Hold 'Em player. Blogger, poker stud, actor, author and smart ass, Wheaton's basically a 21st century Renaissance man. If that doesn't earn a man the title of Mr. June, what will?

Photo from www.pokerstarsblog.com.