What We've Learned From the Horror Classics

Aliens: Guys, just leave the planet ALONE! See also: every other sci-fi space horror movie ever made.

Halloween: Trick or treating is safe; babysitting is not. In fact, at four bucks an hour, it's murder!

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: “Don't mess with Texas” is NOT just a suggestion.

Hostel: Room rates that cheap? There’s always a catch.

Friday the 13th: When it comes to a choice between playing a competitive board game or sleeping with Kevin Bacon, always choose the board game. Top prize for the winner? Not being eviscerated.

The Shining: Six weeks with Shelley Duvall will DRIVE YOU INSANE!

Psycho: The fastidious always get whacked a.k.a you don’t have to shower EVERY day, lady. It's bad for your roots.

The Amityville Horror: No matter what the asking price, a house with bleeding walls is NOT a bargain. Unless it's in a really cute neighborhood.

Dawn of the Dead: When you see a zombie lumbering at you at .002 miles per hour, DON’T stand around and wait for it. It’s not coming at you for a tickle.

The Thing: When traveling to the Antarctic always bring the following items -- sweaters, hot cocoa, one or two huskies, a good pair of boots, and oh yes, your own personal airplane to escape in when murderous parasites take over your colleagues. Also, marshmallows for the hot cocoa.

By Ms. C and Liz

Tuesday Odds and Ends

+ Looking for a last-minute Halloween escape? Check out Concierge.com's list of Thirteen of the World's Creepiest Places. I'd never thought of Easter Island before but after thinking about it, I guess it would be rather scary...especially when you heard the whir of the spaceships coming back to collect their lawn art! And swamps like the one pictured? Well, the scariness factor just goes unsaid.

+ Official word has come down that The X-Files 2 movie will start filming on December 10. Chris Carter is directing and it's being shot in Vancouver, which made my little X-phile heart twitter nostalgically. I always loved the Vancouver era the best.

+ Rupert Grint, aka Harry Potter's Ron Weasley, could show Lindsey Lohan and Britney Spears a thing or two about blowing their hard-earned cash on things other than, you know, blow. According to Park Bench reader Annie's blog, Grint got creative with his earnings, buying one of these:


On Ain't It Cool News, he was quoted as saying he wanted to continue acting, but “if it doesn’t work out I still have the ice cream van, I suppose.” I love that kid.

+ And finally, The Park Bench reached 25,000 visitors last night. Reader #25,000 was a poor confused person from Kitchener, Ontario, looking for a way to make risotto who instead found a treatise on angry Gordon Ramsey. I hope he or she enjoyed their .4 seconds on the site! In all seriousness, thank you to everyone who reads this crazy thing. I appreciate it.

+ And finally, finally, what's everyone going to be for Halloween? Please share.

Dating and the Single Girl Nerd: First Dates

From contributor Ms. C:

One thing our lovely already-coupled friends like is to remind us of is how great it's going to be to have that "first kiss" again. In the hunt for that "first kiss" we have to do things like go on dates, or, even before that, meet someone. All of a sudden, this got so complicated!

Fret not, there are several ways in which to meet a nerdy fellow. There's online dating like gk2gk.com, a dating website for geeks where nerdy women get the choice of their personal cup of Earl Grey. Do you take your geek with "Star Wars," Ren Faire or Manga? Eschewing online tete-a-tetes, you could meet guys at bookstores, coffee shops, or costume parties and woo them with your uncanny imitation of Patrick Stewart or your extensive knowledge of all the James Bond movies. You could also try the old-fashioned way of dating: macking on your friends. There's also the workplace, but I don't recommend this one. You need at least one place you can still go without worrying about how you look, right?

Don't be discouraged if you go an entire year without racking up "50 First Dates" like Drew Barrymore. As the brainier version of those with Nerve, we Girl Nerds tend to wait a little longer till we're met with quality. For the average Single Girl Nerd, a year of looking for that "first kiss" will tend to yield about 5 First Dates which will likely include:

+ The blind date with the "sweet, sensitive guy who also rides a hog" whom your married friends think you'll like. Blind dates should always be accepted with a hearty YES. They have the advantage of no expectations and no ties should one need to run, fast and far.

+ The sneak-double-date with that recently-single friend in the Styx-inspired band. You'll have a nice dinner with friends and then see a Simon Pegg movie, all the while never letting your date suspect he's actually ON a date. You are that good, you sly Single Girl Nerd.

+ The party date. Though not strictly a traditional date situation, this counts. Be sure to try all your "lines" (don't forget to pack the Superman joke, the Anais Nin mention, and the "Reaper" quotation!) on tall, skinny guys wearing glasses.

+ The cooking date. Cook something simple -- and easy on the garlic and onions -- for that adorable web-designer with the comics collection. It won't hurt either to pour healthy glasses of wine while trying to make your way into a gent's heart through his stomach.

+ The Grown-Up Date. You will put on a skirt and heels! He will take you to an upscale restaurant that requires reservations and he'll order for you! There will be no cheese-fries, "hanging out," or catching a cup of coffee while paying Dutch. This will set a new bar for dating and you deserve it!

With these, and hopefully more, you'll be ready to start trying for Second Dates. Not even Drew got that far!

Broomstick Riding 101? Intro to Eye of Newt?

According to UPI, a group of Wiccans in Rossville, Illinois are starting a witch school. Shockingly, the town folk are not taking it well. Probably because the curriculum's a little subpar:

The school is based on teaching basic Wiccan beliefs, along with other unusual fare, such as aromatherapy and zombies.

Aromatherapy and zombies? That's awesome. And handy! But how do you teach zombie? Is it a language course? If so, I'm guessing it's the class all the slacker witches take. "Dude, it's totally easy. You know what the zombie word for 'car' is? 'Aaaarrhhhhh.' You know what the word for 'zoology' is? 'Aaarrrrhhhhh.'"

Says the local youth minister:

"Rossville has fallen on hard times....The (public) school closed. This is a popular place for meth. We're like, 'Great, now a witch school.' It feels like we're being attacked."

I'm sorry. I know it's mean, but that one line, "Great, now a witch school," just cracks me up. Just wait until Samantha Stephens starts bewitching it up with Willow Rosenberg. There's good times ahead, Rossville!

Thank God for self-adhesives, I'd feel weird licking his back

The U.S. Postal Service giveth and the U.S. Postal Service taketh away. On the same day this little dude made his debut on a U.S. stamp...

...the postal service pulled the plug on these equally diminutive but less hairy dudes:


In the coming weeks, all R2-D2 mailboxes are going to be taken off the streets and sent to military bases overseas, where I assume they'll spy on the enemy and deliver cryptic messages starring shimmery little Carrie Fishers.