Friday, August 08, 2008

Diary of Deprivation: 96 Hours Without Internet


Day One:
The morning dawned dark and brooding. I should have known trouble was looming. And yet, I was blissful in my ignorance, trusting in the goodness of life, until I saw it: the solid red light signifying Internet failure, signifying nothingness and desolation. There would be no CNN.com for me this morning. And there would be no peace.

Calls were made to AT&T. The robotic voice could not help. I must trust that a reboot will save me.

It is not to be. The repair call is made. Someone will be in touch with me shortly.

I long to know what Brett Favre has had for breakfast. What did the NFL sanction for him this morning? Wheaties? Grape Nuts? How will I know if he's had his fiber? How??

Is the problem in my line, the phone company asks? No, I whisper. It is in my soul.

Day Two:
It has been 27 hours since my last e-mail contact. I may be missing out on discount Viagra or failing to sustain a Nigerian pyramid scheme. It is as though I have slipped through the fabric of society. Spam, I weep in the knowledge that you are simply canned meat to me now. Sweet, delicious canned meat.

I now have no dial tone. DSL cannot survive without dial tone. I am not sure I can either.

I try to watch TV to get my news and entertainment info but it is not the same. I can't read a story and then post about it. I can't fight with anyone about the merits of Bill Adama's mustache. Worst of all, I don't think I know how to watch TV without being online at the same time. I have evolved into a multi-tasker. And you know what Camus said: once you're a multi-tasker, you can never go back-er.

Day Three:
I have a nightmare that Angelina Jolie has more babies...and I don't find out until three hours after the fact. This is unacceptable.

I call AT&T on my cell phone and weep silently to their mechanized call system. The robot tells me to stop being such a whiny bitch. "Don't call me names I can't blog about," I sob.

I wonder if Jack Bauer ever faced a problem like this. Wikipedia could've told me. I never appreciated you until you were gone, Group-Edited Semi-Factual Reference Guide.

Day Four:
AT&T says the repairman is on his way. Could it be? Will I have my internet back? More importantly, will he make it before I miss another Yahoo video of kittens cuddling ducks? I just don't know.

He is here! He is here! Pressing my face up against the window and scratching at the glass is freaking him out though. Must refrain.

Sweet fancy Moses juggling monkeys on a unicorn, it is fixed! Huzzah! I gorge myself on Facebook (three new "friends"), Entertainment Weekly, IO9, e-mail, Television Without Pity, Wonkette, ESPN (Favre had the Wheaties and his bowels are fine). And there are panda birthday party videos on Yahoo!

Two hours later, have finished the entire internet. It was awesome. Am now predictably bored. Please God, let someone post on "The Greatest American Dog" board. Nothing cures cyber-ennui like a good old-fashioned fox terrier flame war.

I love you, Internet. Don't ever leave me again....

11 comments:

grace said...

This post just made my morning.

Shan said...

That's a truly horrifying experience, Liz. That scares me, frankly.

You need to get yourself a BlackBerry, so that you are never, ever, ever without email and the interwebs.

mandyannemurray said...

Ditto to what Grace said above. Forgive me a fangirl moment ... but you've been missed.

Oh, and a while back we talked in the comments about me sending in some Comic Con deets ... I am sorry that I didn't. I didn't get back to the land of regular internet usage until it was too late to post anything that hadn't already been posted.

But! My boyfriend swears Wil Wheaton checked me out. That was definitely a highlight.

Liz said...

Grace, I'm glad you liked it. :)

Shan, it was completely horrifying. And you're right - trying to avoid that terror in the future could be a really good excuse for getting a Blackberry. Hmmm....

Mandyannmurray, I missed all of you guys too! I'd still love to hear about your Comic Con experience. Did you get to see the BSG panel, by chance? And how cool is that about Wil Wheaton! You were checked out by a legend! Very nice.

amy said...

oh my gosh...this made me laugh. really hard.:)

onepinkshoe said...

Haha, that was great! You captured how we all feel when we lose our lifeline.

cleartrampoline said...

"Worst of all, I don't think I know how to watch TV without being online at the same time."

So true. Once a multi-tasker, always a multi-tasker.

Great post. :)

mandyannemurray said...

This is my personal write-up: http://mandyannemurray.wordpress.com/2008/07/27/not-live-from-comic-con/

I didn't make it to more panels than the ones I saw on Thursday, (we only went Thursday and Saturday, and Saturday was spent in the Exhibit Hall) unfortunately. Next year, the boyfriend and I want to do all four days so we can really see everything we want. As this was our first year, we really weren't prepared. :)

-Mandy

mandyannemurray said...

Looks like that link didn't really work ... here's a better one:

http://mandyannemurray.wordpress.com/2008/07/
27/not-live-from-comic-con/

:)

Kathryn said...

This made me laugh so hard I cried.

bikegirl said...

96 hours? Pfft. That's nothing. I just got internet back today after being without it for 12 days.