Nerd Man of the Month: J.J. Abrams

I just had five brilliant ideas in the time it took you to sneeze.

I had an epiphany the other night and it's name was J.J. Abrams. I realized, while catching up on the last episodes of "Fringe"'s first season, that so much of the entertainment that has truly brought me geek joy over the last few years has somehow involved Abrams. This past year alone, we had the introduction of "Fringe," an awesome year of "Lost" and the best action/sci-fi film in my recent memory, the new "Star Trek" -- all of which were envisioned at least in part by this one-man writing/producing/directing juggernaut. And I kinda love him for it.

Although I never watched "Felicity," which seems so oddly out of step with the bulk of Abrams' oeuvre at this point, I was a fan of "Alias" from day one. One of Abrams' earliest successes, the pulse-pounding spy series starring a wig-wearing, ass-kicking Jennifer Garner showcased Abrams' ongoing ability to effectively add surreal elements into already fantastic premises. The show was incredible, leaving its viewers breathless at the end of every hour. And it was unlike anything else on TV.

Which sounds a lot like "Lost," a truly groundbreaking series that, in my humble opinion, will one day rank as one of the best TV shows of all time. With its insanely intricate plot, its maze of mysteries and the page-turning suspense that keeps viewers hooked -- whether they want to be or not -- the series is nerd nirvana.

As if "Lost" didn't give us enough to think about every week, we now have "Fringe," another freaky brain teaser that's quickly evolving into a "don't miss" cult series. Has there ever been a character as wonderfully nutty and dark as mad scientist Walter Bishop? And come on, there's a cow on the show! And Leonard Nimoy! An actual cow and an actual Leonard Nimoy! Brilliant.

Perhaps best of all, Abrams is the man responsible for transforming the "Star Trek" movies from the joke they had become into truly one of the best sci-fi flicks in recent memory. I will admit, I was afraid of what the "Star Trek" reboot would bring but five minutes into the new film, I knew everything would be alright -- in fact, even better than alright. Abrams showed a firm understanding of what makes "Star Trek" great, respecting the cult classic's origins while lifting it up, dusting it off and giving it new life. It was the best surprise of the summer.

As a screenwriter, Abrams also gave the world "Armageddon" which, in its campy awesomeness and rousing montages, has made 90 percent of the male population cry at least once. And yeah, I kinda like it too -- Bruce Willis saves the world in a completely incomprehensible and ridiculous way while Ben Affleck cavorts with animal crackers and Liv Tyler! No one can resist that.

Abrams also gave us one of my favorite sleepy thrillers: the underappreciated "Joy Ride" about two brothers played by Steve Zahn and Paul Walker who get chased cross-country by a crazed truck driver. Yeah, sounds lame but you won't want to get within 100 yards of a CB radio after watching it.

And although some may mutter angrily over its shortcomings, you gotta admit that "Cloverfield" was everything that lame-ass "Godzilla" remake of the 1990s should have been and wasn't. Rowr!

For all the joy he's given the nerd world over the years, for the miracle of resurrection he performed on "Star Trek," for the fact that he composes music and for the very simple reason that he can rock a pair of dark-framed eyeglasses as well as anyone, The Park Bench is pleased to name J.J. Abrams as its September Nerd Man of the Month.

Wednesday Odds & Ends: Facebook, Iron Man 2, New Moon, Betty White and Sweet Valley High

+ Via Entertainment Weekly, here are a slew of new behind-the-scenes photos from "New Moon." Pretty boy alert is at threat level orange (and glittery) with this one.

+ I think I've mentioned the Aaron Sorkin-scripted Facebook movie before, which is not about sheep tossing and errant pokes but rather about the founding of the massive social networking site. Well, now David Fincher has officially been signed to direct the film, which will star Jesse Eisenberg as founder Mark Zuckerberg and Justin Timberlake as the Napster co-founder who became Facebook's first president. I would totally elect Justin Timberlake to be my president. I don't know what that means, but it's true.

+ If you can handle watching Entertainment Tonight without having a seizure from all the fast cuts and strobing lights, then tune in tomorrow night for a behind-the-scenes preview of "Iron Man 2." And here's a preview of the preview:



+ This Saturday is the fifth annual Museum Day and National Public Lands Day, which means that loads of museums (more than 1,200 in fact) and zoos across the country are offering free admission and special events as are many public parks. So don't forget to check out your favorite spot for special deals.

+ Speaking of national treasures, my Betty White mania just got some happy news: she'll be guest starring on "30 Rock" this fall. In this same blurb, Tina Fey makes a joke about getting Justin Timberlake to guest star. I don't think she should tease me like this. Just make it happen, woman!

+ Because he's bored, J.J. Abrams has decided to produce a 30-minute comedy for FOX set in a hospital. As long as it doesn't star Zach Braff, I'm fine with it. And yes, I'm sure my approval means a lot to him.

+ And here's something to make the universe's head explode: Diablo Cody has been signed to adapt the "Sweet Valley High" books, of which more than 150 titles were published between 1983 and 2003. Most were written by a lonely robot named Margaret Buttercup Hoofenhoffen -- true story!

News of the Day -- Tuesday, June 24

+ Via Ain't It Cool News, a preview write-up of J.J. Abrams' fall pilot "Fringe," a sci-fi FBI show. By all accounts, it sounds pretty awesome. Thanks to Alyson for the tip!

+ If you're in the Columbus, Ohio area this week, don't forget to check out The 2008 Origins Game Fair. It's a huge, five-day, 24-hour a day gaming event starting tomorrow and running through Sunday. The husband and I will be checking it out this weekend, and I'm totally looking forward to it.

+ Report from the LA Film Festival on The X-Files panel with Chris Carter, Frank Spotnitz and the luscious Mr. Duchovny. I wasn't really that thrilled with the clip they described. It made me just a tad bit worried about how good this movie is going to be. Honestly, though, who cares about quality at this point? I just want my two favorite FBI agents on the big screen again.

+ Top Ten British Crop Circles! This alien wants us to recycle:


(Okay, it's not an exact recycling symbol but it looks pretty darn close, right?)

News of the Day -- Thursday, May 15

+ Sweet fancy Moses, I'd like one of these:


It's a personal size jet. Yes, it's just like a jet pack but it makes you look like a flying squirrel which is about a billion times more awesome than anything ever.

+ Io9 has tons of details on J.J. Abrams new upcoming TV series, "Fringe," which is about an FBI agent who investigates weird stuff but is named neither Fox nor Mulder. Despite that, it still sounds pretty interesting. Hell, after "Alias" and "Lost," I'll watch anything J.J. offers. Unless it stars an Olson twin. I have standards. (They are low.)

+ E.T. and Mork have been on the edge of their religious seats for years now on this question, but the Pope has finally given the theological thumbs up to aliens, decreeing that it's A-OK to believe in life on other planets. This gives Alf hope that he'll one day receive absolution for that guy he knifed at the Macy's white sale a few years back. He goes INSANE around 300-thread sheets.

Wednesday tidbits

* The release yesterday of Stephen Colbert's new book, I Am America and So Can You! has meant a wonderful flurry of interviews with the man himself, including a terrific one he did yesterday with Terry Gross on NPR's "Fresh Air." It's 48 minutes long, but it provides great insight into how "The Colbert Report" is done as well as some interesting details on Colbert's infamously awesome White House Correspondents Dinner performance. If you don't have 48 minutes to spare and would rather skip ahead to my favorite part (and who wouldn't?), go to the 45th minute of the interview and hear Colbert talk about trying to convince Henry Kissinger to say the words, "Where are my pancakes? I was promised pancakes." Colbert's Kissinger impression is brilliant.

* In other news, Variety is reporting that Eric Bana will play the villain Nero in J.J. Abrams new "Star Trek" movie. I hope this Nero character is actually supposed to be the Roman emperor of the same name so that we can have some cool time travel and see Spock wearing a toga while listening to some inexplicable hippie music -- just like a real episode of the original Star Trek! My fingers are crossed....

* A wealthy dude with money to burn ponied up $250,000 for the first issue of the "Batman" comic. He hasn't actually read it yet. I'd be afraid to read anything I just paid $250,000 for, too. One good sneeze and you erase $50,000 off the resale value. Talk about pressure.

Friday Nerd News

* Next to a pony or Joss Whedon or a pick-up truck full of gold, this is what I would want to see most in my front yard:


Yup, it's a 21-foot-long X-Wing...that actually flies. They strapped a four rockets onto the back of it and are going to shoot it off and hope it lands in one piece. If not, Frank Oz has promised to come out, shove a Yoda puppet onto his left hand and mentally will the thing out of whatever Dagobah swamp it lands in.

* Speaking of real life space adventures, there's this rather nifty interview with Sir Arthur C. Clarke on the 50th anniversary of Sputnik and the future of space travel. Sadly, the first thing I thought when I saw the article was, "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle is still alive?" D'oh! My nerd card is totally going to get revoked.

* Word on the street is J.J. Abrams will be producing a new show for ABC. I don't know how to break this to you, but it's, uh, about a notary public. If they add the words "on a mysterious island in space with spies and Victor Garber" after "notary public," I might watch. Maybe. Possibly. Probably not.

* I swear I will stop talking so much about "30 Rock" soon, but I've got to just one more tidbit that's making me shiver with glee: my political boyfriend and soon-to-be Nobel Prize winner Al Gore is going to be guest starring on a future episode. I can't get cancer from snuggling with my TV, can I?

* And finally, did you know that Wikipedia has an entry for "nerd girl"? Neither did I! Apparently, we're "a stock character of late-20th and 21st-century fiction." (That punctuation is their fault, by the way.) Also, we have the following characteristics:

- often wears eyeglasses, which typically have large lenses and thick frames - in comics, particularly, this is an easy shorthand way of indicating that a character is a Nerd Girl. [Also, arrows and small labels reading "Nerd Girl" are effective.]

- dresses unfashionably, not as a statement but because she doesn't care about fashion. Typically her clothes will be loose and comfortable; they may be somewhat "young" for her. This should not be confused with dressing in alternative or eclectic fashions such as indie, goth, or bohemian, although in recent years, some nerd girls (especially self-styled), have begun doing so in an attempt to generate a more interesting outward image. [Okay, sure, why not?]

- wears her hair in unfashionable styles (such as a ponytail or pigtails; while male nerds have messy hair or flattops, sometimes with hair gel)[You know, maybe some of us just have arms that are too short to effectively blow dry the back of our hair. I'm just saying...]

- is obviously intelligent [Duh.]

- is fascinated by some area of knowledge, usually cultural, liberal arts and humanities as opposed to science and tech-related fields of the male nerds.

- is not popular [Hey, I have plenty of friends. Sure, they're online but still...]

- is not considered conventionally attractive (exception: male nerds)[Why, I oughtta...!!!!]

- is shy and may be somewhat socially inept in groups [I've always thought my social anxiety disorder gives me character.]

- uninterested in and unskilled at sports (distinguishing her from the tomboy) [Much the way a porpoise is distinguished from a dolphin or a Mary Kate is distinguished from an Ashley]

Despite all these negatives, we're also known to be "kind and good-hearted, passionate about causes, feminist or post-feminist, possessed of good one-on-one interpersonal skills, aware of our own emotional states and, yes, small in stature.

And there it is. If you could all try to conform to these traits, it would be much appreciated. We have to stick together because it's the only way we'll become cultural stereotypes. After that, the world will be our oysters, and I'm fairly sure we can become archetypes. And you know what that means? The ghost of Joseph Campbell will LOVE US FOREVER!