Monday, September 21, 2009

Surviving "War and Peace"

You will be mine!

I'm finally doing it. After decades of training that mostly involved learning big words and finding the right prescription for my glasses, I am ready to embark on my greatest literary mission to date: I am reading "War and Peace." And much the way a marathon runner goes on and on and on about every quarter mile accomplishment until you want to beat them to death with their own Nikes, I intend to share with you my progress on taming this 1386 page beast.

I picked up the book late last week and am 130 pages into it so far, which by my faulty mathematical estimation means I've completed less than 10 percent. To date, I have a tenuous but intact grasp of what's going on: basically, there seem to be a lot of Russian people in drawing rooms making small talk and arguing with each other about society and status while a few hundred miles away, a small man named Bonaparte is whistling a jaunty tune and amassing large portions of European real estate.

I already can tell that my biggest struggle with this bad boy is going to be keeping all the characters straight. Why? Because every frickin' character has approximately 718 different names. If I had a time machine, I would go back right now and tell Tolstoy to cut it out and just pick one, dammit. It doesn't have to be a great name, just a memorable one: Fluffy, Roscoe, Floyd Netherbottom -- I don't care, just pull one from a hat, pin it to a character and be done with it. It's hard enough to read 1386 pages without also having to create a flow chart listing every single character and what they may or may not be called at different points in the narrative -- all because the guy with the beard couldn't make a decision. And yes, I'm going to make the joke: it's like Brett Favre wrote this thing. (I know it's just a Russian literature thing, but right now, I'm in the mood to blame someone and it might as well be Tolstoy.)

Now, I feel like I have a 50-50 chance of surviving the name issue because I trained pretty hard a few years back with "Anna Karenina" and it one only made me cry once. On the other hand, the names did me in on "The Brothers Karamazov" and I've been known to give even short Chekhov stories the finger because I couldn't keep the characters straight. So really, I should probably only give myself a 33 percent chance.

As a back-up plan, though, I've decided to give myself a free pass on total coherency. If I get a few counts or princes mixed up and accidentally turn them into the same person for a few hundred pages, I'm going to tell myself it's okay. Who hasn't gotten a few counts and princes mixed up in their day, right? Exactly.

In my three days of reading so far, I've also learned I'll have to physically get into better shape simply to hold the book. I like to read while lying down, which means I need strong wrists to hold a book this size vertical. There was a Roosevelt biography that broke me a while back for this very reason. That was a hardcover. I refuse to be done in with a paperback, albeit a paperback that could serve as a wheel block for a semi. Perhaps since this is my literary equivalent of scaling Mt. Everest, I could hire a sherpa to prop the thing up? Or would that be weird?

Please don't mind my apparent crabbiness, though, because the truth is, I'm enjoying the book immensely. "Anna Karenina" is one of my all-time favorite novels and I'm looking forwad to immersing myself in this one as well. I'm also looking forward to having the words "I finished War and Peace, bitches" tattooed on my forehead and running through every library and book club I can find -- you know, the way classy people do.

Only nine-tenths left to go!

22 comments:

Anzi said...

Well, depending on whether or not this is your copy of the book (rather than the library's or a friend's) you could try cutting it up into sections. I know, blasphemy!

I have Japan's system in mind - all books are published in roughly the same size, with longer texts being broken up into Top and Bottom (and sometimes there's a Middle, in the case of, like, Harry Potter 5). Easier to carry, and the publishers get more cash, so everybody wins?

Also I imagine it'd be pretty satisfying :D

Ahava Jora said...

It's been a while since I've ready anything as hefty as a Russian novel, though Anna Karenina is also one of my all-time favorite books and The Brothers Karamazov ranks highly on my favorite books list. I've been guiltily devouring the Sookie Stackhouse novels the past few weeks and have promised myself that I would get back on the literary track once I finish the series. So I'm going to follow your lead and start W&P.

Anzi said...

Hahhah, it's not just me? I'm 2/3 of the way through Dead As A Doornail, with my Murakami novels glaring balefully at me from the bookshelf.

Ahava Jora said...

No, it's not just you, Anzi. I'm halfway through Definitely Dead and have the next book waiting on my bedside table.

Harper said...

What helped me survive War & Peace were the short chapters. I was working at a drugstore in college and we had to physically leave the front of the store for 10 minute breaks twice a day and the short chapters were perfect for short breaks. Moby Dick, however, took several tries and I only really made it because I started skimming some of the whaling information.

Linn said...

In the copy i read of Crime and Punishment there were a section in the back with a names register, wich was very helpful in keeping track of all the names and nicknames. You should see if you could find something like that, especially one that explains a little bit about the names and the normal structure of Russian nicknames - this will help in your next russian novel too.
I'm doing In search of lost times myself, but as a "long term project" so I'm allowed to read other things in between :)

agent57 said...

The closest reads I've come to a book that size were Les Misérables and Shogun, and I had to give up on both. It wasn't for lack of interest, either. I just put each of them down one day and never went back. I got pretty far on Les Mis, at least. And they weren't even Russian.

I still tell myself that some day... but no, I should probably stop lying to myself.

Man, I don't think I got even a paragraph into Moby Dick.

You all are making me feel bad about my literary stamina! Sigh. I guess I have to start training...

Emily said...

Been thinking about trying Anna Karenina for a while now. Perhaps it's time to bite the bullet. Good luck with W&P. I'll be rooting for you.

Anonymous said...

I just starting reading War and Peace too! I read Anna Karenina last year and it was really hard to read at the start, but with W&P I fell right into it. Maybe reading Anna trained me for War and Peace?

3pennyjane said...

Once you get through W&P, you are officially allowed to call it a day and read the best thing ever published in Russian, "The Master and Margarita." The names stay pretty much the same, EVerybody knows Jesus and Pontius Pilate, it'll make you want to (re)read "Faust," and it's actually funny/sad/sexy/strange. Plus there's a giant black talking cat with a revolver. But eat up your literary dinner first; it's definitely the literary equivalent of good scotch, in that it will ruin you for stodgier things.

Have I mentioned loving your blog? No? Long overdue.

Amy said...

So glad I'm not the only one who was put off by all the names in Anna Karenina. I've picked it up and put it down more times than I can count, and I'm still CERTAIN that I would enjoy the book if NOT FOR ALL THE CONFUSING NICKNAMES!

Adam said...

Liz,
I'm 24 pages into Crime and Punishment, so I'm right there with you. So far, only four people have spoken and none has gotten a nickname, but I'm sure it's coming.

Side note...the word verification word I have to type in so blogger knows I'm a real person is "Porpirga," which could totally be someone's nickname in 19th century Russian literature.

crone51 said...

I suggest you take a break at some point and watch Woody Allen's "Love and Death". It is a great Russian Lit primer and contains what is Dianne Keaton's funniest performance ( IMHO, of course).

"Wheat. Red wheat, blue wheat, an enormous amount of wheat...."

I want to hate Woody but it is so hard as he had made me laugh so much over the years.

Liz said...

Crone, I absolutely adore "Love and Death." I love the bit about the grandfather leaving him some land...and then he pulls a piece of turf from his coat. And I'm afraid I'm one of those people who will always love Woody Allen's work, whatever he does in his personal life. The man's made me laugh to much to abandon his stuff now! Plus, I once saw him play clarinet in New York and he said hi to our table so we're practically best friends. :)

Harper, I totally agree with you on the joys of the short chapters. It makes me feel like I'm accomplishing a lot more than I think I am. Which is a good thing! And I'm with you on the cruel nature of Moby Dick and the whaling descriptions. Egads, that one nearly did me in as well. I kind of hated that book, actually. "Bartleby the Scrivener" will always be my favorite Melville book, I'm afraid.

Agent 57, don't feel bad about abandoning Les Mis and Shogun. I've never read the latter, but if you were reading the unabridged Les Mis, I'm pretty sure Hugo was trying to kill people with his 100-page long ramblings on French nuns. I almost didn't make it through that section...but if you ever have a chance to take another go at it, try it because it's really wonderful. Bring a hanky for the ending, though.

Adam, you're totally right -- Porpirga would make a great Russian nickname. The next time I get lost in W&P with some random character, I'm going to assign that name to them. It also sounds like a cute little pug dog, doesn't it?

Anzi, I like your idea of dividing the book into sections. I get sort of squeamish about pulling books apart but my wrists may force me into action!

3pennyjane, thanks for the tip on "The Master and Margarita." Giant talking black cats are a winner in my book anytime! And thank you for the nice words on the blog. I really appreciate it!

And good luck to everyone else tackling big books! Beware the paper cuts! :)

Carrie said...

I have the same problem with Dostoevsky. I want to read it so very badly, until about 100 pages in when my brain starts to hurt. I'm glad it's not just me. I was starting to question my own nerd status.

P.S. I love this blog! Thank you for existing.

crone51 said...

you saw Woody play Clarinet at Michaels? I am so incredibly jealous. Oh, that's right, I hate Woody. I forgot.

JEALOUS

agent57 said...

Man, I haven't seen any of Woody Allen's old movies (yes guys, I know, I'm starting to wonder if I am allowed to call myself a nerd/geek/dork as well!) and so I only have Scoop and his other, suckier, recent films to go on. As such, I think I'm allowed to kind of hate him. Or not hate, but he just annoys [and mildly creeps] me [out] so far.

I need a geek reeducation.

Liz said...

Crone, yep, we saw him in '94 or '95 playing at Michael's. It was one of the highlights of my geek life. His band was amazing (I like that kind of jazz). He unpacked his clarinet and got ready and everything at the table next to ours, so we said hi or some such thing about how we were looking forward to the show and he thanked us and patted my friend on the shoulder. And since we were all a bunch of college-age comedy writers, my friend immediately declared that he would now be 100 times funnier than the rest of us. He did write a really funny comic about rabbits after that so maybe the touch did work! Anyway, Woody was really nice and just seemed like a regular guy who liked to play the clarinet.

Liz said...

Agent57, you have to watch Allen's older films. They're amazing. My personal favorites (in order of preference) are: The Purple Rose of Cairo, Radio Days, Love and Death, Annie Hall, Manhattan, Take the Money and Run, Hannah and Her Sisters and Crimes and Misdemeanors. Purple Rose makes me cry every time; it's such a beautiful story. And Radio Days is hilarious -- and stars a very young Seth Green!

agent57 said...

Liz, I didn't realise The Purple Rose of Cairo was a Woody Allen film! I've been meaning to see it, anyway, being a Michigan nerd and therefore a fan of Jeff Daniels. I guess that's where I should start!

Anonymous said...

when I read War and Peace, I made myself a bookmark listing every variant of people's names and who they were related to. It really helped. It gets better farther in, I promise. And don't get discouraged if you feel like it's taking you too long. It took me three months, but I really enjoyed it.(I also got the prize for most convoluted book report in the history of the eighth grade:) )

Term papers said...

Nice blog, it's quite informative for readers..