Least shocking headline ever

'Californication' star in rehab for sex addiction

Poor David. It's good that he's getting help yet I can't help but feel this is something of a loss for the ladies of the world, like finding out there's a roller coaster on the moon...and immediately finding out it's being closed. It's not like we would have had a chance to ride it, but it was nice to know, just for a moment, that tickets were available.

"I Want to Believe" this movie will be good.

For X-Philes, this week is like the week before Christmas if, you know, Christmas came once every ten years. Yes, this Friday, July 25 marks the debut of the new X-Files movie, "I Want to Believe." And I, like millions of other File fanatics, am counting down the minutes and hoping I don't get eaten by a bear before I get to see the damn thing.

Unlike Christmas, though, I'm looking forward to Friday with just a wee bit of trepidation. Why, you ask? Because I've been a Phile pretty much from Day 1 and I know what can happen when I go into an X-Files experience expecting too much: It can suck. Really bad. Harder than el chupacabra, everyone's favorite Mexican goat sucker (and a word I just really enjoy saying at every opportunity).

El chupacabra.

Awesome word.

Anywhoo, like any self-respecting, battle-worn Phile, I've been preparing myself and I'm ready to deem the movie a success if the following minimum criteria are met:

1) Mulder looks hot and cracks wise.
2) Scully spends less than 75 percent of the movie crying or having to yell at Mulder and basically be his mom. If she spends just 74 percent of the movie doing this, I will be happy.
3) Skinner uses the phrase "butt in a sling." (Or "ass" as this is PG-13 and all.)
4) Xzibit pimps somebody's ride. (Please God, let this happen.)
5) Amanda Peet irritates me just a little bit instead of a lot. I'm still trying to forget "Studio 60."
6) Billy Connelly rocks even half as much as he does in pretty much everything he's ever been in. (Hello, "Mrs. Brown," I love you.)
7) Cigarette Smoking Man does not appear because he already died SEVEN QUADRILLION TIMES on the show. I'm half expecting just to see his mummified hand smoking a Morley's and looking evil on someone's bookshelf.
8) Someone asks Mulder what he's looking for and he says, "The truth." Dude, I think we all know that by now. Just once I'd like for him to say, "My car keys."
9) The plot at least makes enough sense for me to pretend that it makes sense to other people. Like, "Oh, you didn't get that? I'd explain it to you but I'm, uh, late for a meeting. Yeah...." Just make it possible for me to skate by, Chris Carter, that's all I'm asking.
10) Mulder and Scully make out at least once. That's why we're all going anyway, right? We're going for the smoochies! And the psychopathic monsters, of course. But mostly the smoochies.

How easy is that? Piece of cake, right? I hope so because if it sucks I'm only going to see it five times instead of the 10 I was planning on. Yeah, I'm pretty hard core that way with my entertainment.

Let's face it though, I'll still be buying the DVD. Why? Because I've been Chris Carter's bitch since 1992 and once you're in the club, it's really, really hard to return the jacket.

You know what the jacket should have on it? An el chupacabra.

Awesome word.

X-Files movie news update

If David Duchovny says it's true, then it must be true. Right?? Of course, he also swore he'd never leave me for Tea Leoni...

X-Files movie news from IGN:

...Duchovny was asked why he felt so confidant the movie was happening this time, after years of rumors about different scripts. Duchovny answered that the reason he was sure about this script was because "I'm actually supposed to see it next week! Before I would just say that [there was a movie] because they told me, but now, after talking to Chris [Carter] -- he's been giving me progress reports -- and he actually called yesterday, and said 'Next week, you should have something to read.'"

Friday News Wrap-Up

* David Duchovny, why do you tease us so? Rumor has it that the last hurdles standing in the way of a second X Files movie have been cleared and production could start as early as 2008. For someone who has, on occasion, held drunken, one-sided conversations with her Mulder and Scully action figures, the news couldn’t be any better. Of course, we’ve heard movie rumors before so I refuse to get too excited until I’m actually sitting in the front row of my neighborhood cineplex, eating popcorn and staring up into the dark recesses of David’s mighty proboscis.

* Soon you will be able to strap an EEG onto your head and play video games with your brain. Thanks to a company called Emotiv Systems, I'll finally be able to play Minesweeper without the wear-and-tear of actually moving my limbs, which, let’s face it, are going to atrophy into useless flippers before human evolution’s all said and done. Here’s hoping the device comes with a catheter and a lifetime supply of Red Bull.

* If you'd prefer to steer clear of the EEG, you can always exercise those neurons with a free poem-a-day from those book-loving hippies at Poets.org in celebration of National Poetry Month this April. If you sign up, they'll send a poem from one of their new publications to your inbox every day, and they all will rhyme. Just kidding. It's probably free-form stuff that we all have to nod at thoughtfully and pretend to understand.

* Apropos of nothing, here’s a blog devoted to shoes and shoe faux pas, written in the voice of an effiminate, patronizingly accented gentleman who puts the word “the” in front of every noun, verb and adjective he can find. Is it supposed to be funny or not? I just don't know.

* Speaking of funny, here’s why I like the Internet: because I don’t have to watch all of Saturday Night Live anymore. If something funny happens, like Peyton Manning beating up little kids and teaching them to steal, I can just watch it online, thus saving me valuable time to learn how to play video games with my brain.

* And last but not least, tomorrow is My Political Boyfriend Al Gore's birthday. My girthsome Earth-prophet will be turning 59. In honor of the big day, I pledge (seriously) to walk, not drive, to all my errands, and also, if I get drunk, I might crank call Senator Inhofe and pretend I'm Barbara Boxer coming to steal his gavel. Dirty!

* ETA: I almost forgot this tidbit. Remember that contest at the Chicago Tribune I posted on a couple weeks back, where people could vote on their favorite TV character? Here are the shocking results: Battlestar Galactica's Starbuck smacked 24's Jack, 3,061 votes to 777 votes. Maybe it's because Kara knows how to use her inside voice, unlike Jack "I have a top-secret message but I'm going to shout it into this phone as loud as I can" Bauer. That's my theory.

Wednesday News Wrap-Up

* According to The Washington Post, good penmanship is officially dead. Somewhere John Hancock cries and gives America's first-grade teachers the finger.

* USA Today claims that teenage girls stopped making Grey's Anatomy video montages long enough to watch Barack Obama videos and elect him president of YouTube Land. The story also chronicles how fellow presidential hopeful Dennis Kucinich seems to accidentally be creating his own brigade of Squeaky Frommes:

Kucinich has been particularly active. On March 16, he took the unusual step of responding to a video from James Kotecki, a vlogger that goes by the name "EmergencyCheese." Kotecki had called for interaction from the candidates with the YouTube community. Kucinich's response then prompted Kotecki to post a video praising the candidate for his bold step. He also dances while chanting: "Gotta response from Kucinich."

* Saucy science nerd Al Gore is on Capital Hill today showing off his Oscar and encouraging congressmen to accept the fact that driving Hummers will NOT make up for their physical shortcomings.

* Long-time girl nerd hearthrob David Duchovny is returning to television with a new Showtime comedy series. He plays a novelist with a penchant for self-destructive behavior. Two words: action figure!

* And finally, The Chicago Tribune has been doing their own tournament of sorts for TV characters. It's down to the Final Four: Jack Bauer (24) vs. Jack Donaghy (30 Rock) and Starbuck (Battlestar Galactica) vs. Dr. Greg House (House). I wish these were spin-off ideas. I would love to see Jack Donaghy take down Jack Bauer.