Monday, July 21, 2008
"I Want to Believe" this movie will be good.
For X-Philes, this week is like the week before Christmas if, you know, Christmas came once every ten years. Yes, this Friday, July 25 marks the debut of the new X-Files movie, "I Want to Believe." And I, like millions of other File fanatics, am counting down the minutes and hoping I don't get eaten by a bear before I get to see the damn thing.
Unlike Christmas, though, I'm looking forward to Friday with just a wee bit of trepidation. Why, you ask? Because I've been a Phile pretty much from Day 1 and I know what can happen when I go into an X-Files experience expecting too much: It can suck. Really bad. Harder than el chupacabra, everyone's favorite Mexican goat sucker (and a word I just really enjoy saying at every opportunity).
Anywhoo, like any self-respecting, battle-worn Phile, I've been preparing myself and I'm ready to deem the movie a success if the following minimum criteria are met:
1) Mulder looks hot and cracks wise.
2) Scully spends less than 75 percent of the movie crying or having to yell at Mulder and basically be his mom. If she spends just 74 percent of the movie doing this, I will be happy.
3) Skinner uses the phrase "butt in a sling." (Or "ass" as this is PG-13 and all.)
4) Xzibit pimps somebody's ride. (Please God, let this happen.)
5) Amanda Peet irritates me just a little bit instead of a lot. I'm still trying to forget "Studio 60."
6) Billy Connelly rocks even half as much as he does in pretty much everything he's ever been in. (Hello, "Mrs. Brown," I love you.)
7) Cigarette Smoking Man does not appear because he already died SEVEN QUADRILLION TIMES on the show. I'm half expecting just to see his mummified hand smoking a Morley's and looking evil on someone's bookshelf.
8) Someone asks Mulder what he's looking for and he says, "The truth." Dude, I think we all know that by now. Just once I'd like for him to say, "My car keys."
9) The plot at least makes enough sense for me to pretend that it makes sense to other people. Like, "Oh, you didn't get that? I'd explain it to you but I'm, uh, late for a meeting. Yeah...." Just make it possible for me to skate by, Chris Carter, that's all I'm asking.
10) Mulder and Scully make out at least once. That's why we're all going anyway, right? We're going for the smoochies! And the psychopathic monsters, of course. But mostly the smoochies.
How easy is that? Piece of cake, right? I hope so because if it sucks I'm only going to see it five times instead of the 10 I was planning on. Yeah, I'm pretty hard core that way with my entertainment.
Let's face it though, I'll still be buying the DVD. Why? Because I've been Chris Carter's bitch since 1992 and once you're in the club, it's really, really hard to return the jacket.
You know what the jacket should have on it? An el chupacabra.