I read Cosmo...so you don't have to

First thing I notice, this magazine is a lot heavier than Entertainment Weekly and my arms are unprepared for the burden. After a little bit of whining and readjustment, I man up (in a totally feminine way) and start reading:

In “Sexy Vs. Skanky,” I learn that when you’re in rehab, it’s sexy “to spend time working through issues,” but it’s skanky to spend “your time flirting with guys.” This is actually a good tip.

The “Secrets Behind His Seduction Style” article had big glossy pictures of buff, shirtless men which means that I, uh, didn’t really read the words so much as look at the pictures. Sorry.

The “Weird Signs He Wants To Impress You” story featured my favorite line of the entire magazine: “He gushes prematurely.” This crass gem actually refers to guys who give over-the-top compliments at incorrect moments, but to me, it seems like a sign from the editorial team that at least one of their writers has a sense of humor…and is likely being held against her will.

The photo essay “Personal Assistants’ Day Off” finally answers my question: what if you’re a lazy paparazzi photographer and you don’t feel like engaging in high-speed, royalty-offing chases through Paris streets? The answer? You sell your pictures to Cosmo so they can show us Debra Messing pumping gas and Jennifer Love Hewitt picking up her dry cleaning.

Turning to fashion, I find a helpful list of “The Seven Things I Crave Right Now.” I thought those seven things all included the word “pie” but apparently not. Instead, what I want is a sheer top, slimming jeans, a cocktail ring, an eyelet jacket, a lacy sundress, a jeweled headband and Miu Miu Satin Mary Janes. For $1,290 I can satisfy these cravings. Or I can spend $1.25 on a Hostess Fruit Pie. I am opting for the latter.

In “Is My Skin Aging Too Fast?” I’m faced with the penetrating question: “Are your facial expressions as animated as your hands are when you talk?” No, but I continue reading, only to learn that “making a lot of exuberant gestures – smiles, frowns, raised eyebrows – cause your skin to crinkle and fold.” Egads. The solution? I couldn’t make this up if I tried: “When you’re on the phone in private, put Scotch tape between your brows…This will clue you in to when you’re grimacing.” If you have friends who you think would actually do this, please stand on their front porch, call them from your cell phone and take pictures of them through the window. Pleeeeease.

In “99 Sex Facts No One’s Ever Told You,” I learned that grizzly bears and polar bears have a sordid sexual past that I wish I never uncovered.

After a while, I got bored and skipped ahead to the end of the magazine where “The Bedside Astrologer” told me to don a gorgeous cocktail ring on the 28th. If I knew what a goddamn cocktail ring was, this would not be a problem.

Finally, to cap off the total experience, I took a Cosmo quiz, “Do Guys Think You’re a Difficult Date?” and scored a solid four, earning me the label of “sexy challenge.” Then my husband laughed at me.