You know how all I ever talk about is “Battlestar” and “Lost” being the two greatest TV shows ever created in the history of the world ever? Yeah, I was totally wrong about that. Last week, I discovered the ultimate in TV entertainment, courtesy of NBC. It’s name? “Celebrity Circus.” Yes, my friends, it’s a circus with celebrities, and it is exquisite.
In this show, various celebrities have signed on to learn circus skills with which they can impress the judges and earn the right to stay on the show for another week. I have no idea what the ultimate prize is. Self-esteem maybe? I can’t be sure. The circus skills are truly death-defying: in last week’s episode, I saw “Jackass”’s Wee-Man run around on a giant wheel – basically, a human hamster wheel, which if you think about it is totally insulting to hamsters. Then I saw someone who I think was a singer dress up in a really gaudy costume and writhe around on a rope…with a harness on. Then I saw an Olympic swimmer – who, in costume, looked hilariously like Amy Winehouse – do some other scary rope tricks…with a harness on. The best thing about all this death-defying activity was that I had no idea who half these “celebrities” were and therefore was not even remotely invested in their success or survival, really. Although I do like Wee-Man. He kicked ass on that show where he, Erik Estrada and LaToya Jackson trained to be cops in rural Indiana.
Yes, I watch bad reality TV but I like to think I have standards: I only watch the very worst in reality TV.
But back to “Celebrity Circus.” The highlight of the evening was seeing middle-aged man-whore and former “Brady Bunch” star Christopher Knight actually break his arm while embedded in some huge, rotating pseudo-Hula Hoop and then totally man up and learn how to walk a tight rope with a girl on his shoulders…in a harness! While dressed in what looked to be velvet. That right there is a feat. Velvet is very hot and constricting, I would guess. It would make it really hard to walk on a tight rope if, you know, you weren’t attached to a harness with 17 nets and your crazed wife below you.
As a child, I loved Christopher Knight. In the Pantheon of Hot Siblings On TV Shows Filmed Before I Was Born, he was a solid runner-up behind champ Tony “Le Rowr” Dow aka Wally Cleaver on “Leave It To Beaver.” But man oh man, watching Chris engage in ridiculous behavior on VH-1 the last few years has really soured me. So much so, I decided after “Celebrity Circus” to give his Pantheon place away to Jimmy “J.J.” Walker of “Good Times” fame. I hate to be so rough but maybe it’ll be the thing that finally turns Chris around.
While it doesn’t have the cultural heft of, say, a “Battle of the Network Stars,” “Celebrity Circus” is one of the most inane, ludicrous, stupid things I’ve seen on television in years which means I will watch it religiously until either A) it ends B) it gets cancelled or C) host Joey Fatone gets eaten by a lion. You can guess which option I’m hoping for, right?