I caught Oscar fever -- and now I have a rash.

Sure, I mock the Golden Globes and thumb my nose at The People’s Choice Awards. (Seriously, look at our elected officials. Should the American people really be allowed to choose something as important as best musical or comedy?) I will not, however, cast aspersions on The Academy Awards, the granddaddy of all awards shows, aka The One That Really Counts.

Given my deep and possibly disturbing feelings for the Oscars, you can understand my excitement at today’s announcement of the 2008 nominees. Sadly, since this was the year I officially became old and cheap and stopped going to movies on a regular basis, my reactions to the nominations were pretty much as follows:

“Heard that one was good.”

“Haven’t seen it.”

“Haven’t seen it.”

“Wanted to see it.”

“Saw it! And it was good!”

Therefore, given my wealth of knowledge about this year’s nominees, I feel confident in making the following predictions:

Best Picture
Nominees: Atonement, Juno, Michael Clayton, No Country For Old Men and There Will Be Blood
Of the five nominated films, I’ve only seen “Juno.” Which means it’s officially the movie I’ll be rooting for in a very hardcore, fangirl way all the way until the bitter end when my dreams are crushed and “Atonement” takes home the prize – because the dreary love stories always beat out the comedies and the movies that depress our souls. The experts call this The “Man, I Still Can’t Believe We Gave That Oscar to ‘Shakespeare in Love’ Instead of ‘Saving Private Ryan’” Effect.

Best Actor
Nominees: George Clooney, Daniel Day-Lewis, Johnny Depp, Tommy Lee Jones and Viggo Mortenson
My friend once sat next to Johnny Depp in a restaurant and said he smelled like cigarettes, so I’m going with Daniel Day-Lewis as the winner because I hear he smells like apple strudel and old money. Oddly enough, George Clooney smells like Irish spring, Tommy Lee Jones smells like leather. And Viggo Mortenson? Viggo smells like truffles and springtime.

Best Actress
Nominees: Cate Blanchett, Julie Christie, Marion Cotillard, Laura Linney and Ellen Page
I’m giving this one to Ellen Page. Not only because she was in “Juno” -- which I saw -- but also because she is small and Canadian, just like Michael J. Fox and everyone loves Michael J. Fox. Also, she kicked ass in a movie I once saw called “Hard Candy.”

Best Supporting Actor
Nominees: Casey Affleck, Javier Bardem, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Hal Holbrook and Tom Wilkinson
I’m torn on this one. On the one hand, I read an article in Entertainment Weekly about how much Hal Holbrook wanted to win an Oscar and I always figure, if a guy wants the thing that bad, why not give it to him, you know? But on the other hand, Javier Bardem makes me wet myself with fear just watching the damn commercials for “No Country For Old Men,” so either he or his haircut are accomplishing something pretty big there. In the final analysis, I’ll go with Bardem. I’ll just have to cover the couch in plastic on Oscar night.

Supporting Actress
Nominees: Cate Blanchett, Ruby Dee, Saoirse Ronan, Amy Ryan and Tilda Swinton
It’s Cate Blanchett all the way on this one, baby. Unless one of the other people wins.

Best Original Screenplay
Nominees: Diablo Cody for “Juno,” Nancy Oliver for “Lars and the Real Girl,” Tony Gilroy for “Michael Clayton,” Brad Bird for “Ratatouille” and Tamara Jenkins for “The Savages”
First of all, way to go with three ladies staking claim to the prize here. And as much as I loved the rodents in Ratatouille and as much as I wanted to see “Lars and the Real Girl”, I’m giving it to Diablo Cody for “Juno” – because I saw it – and also because how could you NOT give an Oscar to a former stripper turned blogger turned first-time screenwriter named Diablo? Honestly.

I hope these predictions were helpful. They are 100 percent certain and accurate,* so feel free to take them to your bookie or to Vegas, make thousands and then buy yourself something pretty.


* You’re not taking me seriously, are you? Don’t do that. Britney did once and then she broke up with Justin and now there’s all this mess...