Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Sometimes the shallow answer is the best answer

We may disagree on heels versus flats, Romney versus Obama, American Idol versus American Gladiator, but there’s one thing I believe all women can agree on: when you’re feeling blue, the only thing to do is shop.

To hell with the mortgage. To hell with saving for retirement or making that car payment. When life’s wearing parachute pants and inflicting Hammer Time upon your soul, you’ve got to give in to the urge and buy something to ease the pain.

It doesn’t have to be anything big. It could be squirrel-shaped coasters or a new paperback novel. It could be the glorious, mega 99 cent bag of peanut M&Ms or that new Radiohead CD you should have downloaded for free but completely forgot about until you realized it was good. Or that sweater that makes you feel deeply and profoundly that your cleavage is the finest cleavage in all the land.

All it takes it just one little purchase to turn the day around. And yes, that’s shallow. And yes, it’s probably not true. And no, it’s not at all what the makers of Xanax want you to think, but yes, it’s exactly what Chase and Citicard want you to think. In the end, though, one must disregard all the folderol and nonsense because sometimes, that shopping spree is the only thing that’s going to turn gray skies into blue.

If I were running for president and wanted 51 percent of the vote, I would create a personal spending account for women to access – guilt free – at least once every 28 days. They could buy anything they wanted and that purchase would come with the following guarantee: it would be the right size and the right color; it would not make us look fat; it would make our teeth seem whiter and our hair seem shinier (just like dogfood?); it would not make us go blind from blood sugar shock; and most importantly, it would be guaranteed to lift our spirits from whatever depth they’d sunk to. It would turn our frown upside down and even banish the cynicism that makes us hate cliches like “turn our frown upside down.” In short, it would be, as Oscar Wilde used to say, “ass-kickingly awesome.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some shopping to do.


amanda said...


A million times: YES.

Corenn said...

When life’s wearing parachute pants and inflicting Hammer Time upon your soul

...I might love you a little.

Jen said...

Glad to see I'm not the only one Mother Nature bitch-slapped this week.

Greenmuse said...

This is so very true that it worries me a little.

I would totally vote for you, though.

annie said...

Well, no, but I still like you anyways.

Liz said...

Why, Corenn, I'm blushing. ;-)