Wednesday, October 31, 2007

What We've Learned From the Horror Classics

Aliens: Guys, just leave the planet ALONE! See also: every other sci-fi space horror movie ever made.

Halloween: Trick or treating is safe; babysitting is not. In fact, at four bucks an hour, it's murder!

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: “Don't mess with Texas” is NOT just a suggestion.

Hostel: Room rates that cheap? There’s always a catch.

Friday the 13th: When it comes to a choice between playing a competitive board game or sleeping with Kevin Bacon, always choose the board game. Top prize for the winner? Not being eviscerated.

The Shining: Six weeks with Shelley Duvall will DRIVE YOU INSANE!

Psycho: The fastidious always get whacked a.k.a you don’t have to shower EVERY day, lady. It's bad for your roots.

The Amityville Horror: No matter what the asking price, a house with bleeding walls is NOT a bargain. Unless it's in a really cute neighborhood.

Dawn of the Dead: When you see a zombie lumbering at you at .002 miles per hour, DON’T stand around and wait for it. It’s not coming at you for a tickle.

The Thing: When traveling to the Antarctic always bring the following items -- sweaters, hot cocoa, one or two huskies, a good pair of boots, and oh yes, your own personal airplane to escape in when murderous parasites take over your colleagues. Also, marshmallows for the hot cocoa.

By Ms. C and Liz


Kirsten said...

I think another valuable lesson to be learned from the horror classics, particularly Alien, is Never Go Back For The Cat. For that matter, It's Never "Just The Cat" would probably be another good one.

Shan said...

Amityville Horror: when the house tells you to get out, ya know, get out.

The Exorcist: I have no appetite for pea soup. Also, you're never too young for a good chiropractor.

Jaws: when people get mysteriously chewed up just off the beach, probably not a good idea to spend your holiday weekend in the water in Amity.

The Omen: despite the tax deduction, kids just aren't worth it.

Bram Stoker's Dracula: there are things more frightening than hypnotic undead bloodsuckers: Keanu Reeves' accent.

Liz said...

LOL, those are great, Shan. I especially like The Omen one. Brilliant!