Things Universal Pictures Would Need to Do to Get Me To Care Even a Little Bit About "The Incredible Hulk"

Of all the comic book characters that I don't care about, The Incredible Hulk sits right at the top of the list. I didn't like the Bill Bixby TV series when I was a kid. I didn't like the Ang Lee version except for the bits where Eric Bana was looking pouty. I never read the comic books and while I haven't seen the latest version with Edward Norton and Liv Tyler, the idea of watching it is right up there on my pleasure scale alongside watching the entire 2008 presidential election all over again...which is to say it is so low, it is actually nestled in the molten core of the planet.

There are, though, a few things Universal Pictures could do to get me to watch the movie. They could:

1) Replace The Incredible Hulk with Ironman, write an entire new plot involving Ironman and actually name the movie "Here's More Ironman, Liz."
2) Make him erase all post-season one memories of "Heroes."
3) Have Hulk hold up hilarious LOLcat photos and snuggle with kittens.
4) Have Hulk torn limb from limb by Hellboy.
5) Or a T.rex.
6) Or Madonna.
7) Have Hulk vertically spoon Kate Winslett on the prow of a ship and yell something about being king of the world...and then get torn limb from limb by Hellboy, who happens to be vacationing.
8) Find a way for Hulk to fix global warming, world hunger, the financial crisis and that weird sound my car makes.
9) Wrestle a shark.
10) Prove the existence of the Easter Bunny and ease at least one of my childhood traumas.
11) Engage Kermit the Frog in a heartwarming debate on the difficulties inherent in being green. And then they kiss. HAWT!
12) Feed me tasty McGriddle sandwiches over the entire length of the movie.
13) Decapitate Jar Jar Binks in a lightsaber battle that quickly devolves into a Quentin Tarantino-directed bloodbath of epic proportions.
14) Perform a hilarious yet touching rendition of "Rocketman" with William Shatner and Family Guy's Stewie.
15) They could also try writing a compelling character and putting him in a meaningful story with genuine appeal that doesn't revolve around the yawn-inducing idea of, "Wow, that guy gets really big when he's angry" but that's just crazy.