Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Things Universal Pictures Would Need to Do to Get Me To Care Even a Little Bit About "The Incredible Hulk"

Of all the comic book characters that I don't care about, The Incredible Hulk sits right at the top of the list. I didn't like the Bill Bixby TV series when I was a kid. I didn't like the Ang Lee version except for the bits where Eric Bana was looking pouty. I never read the comic books and while I haven't seen the latest version with Edward Norton and Liv Tyler, the idea of watching it is right up there on my pleasure scale alongside watching the entire 2008 presidential election all over again...which is to say it is so low, it is actually nestled in the molten core of the planet.

There are, though, a few things Universal Pictures could do to get me to watch the movie. They could:

1) Replace The Incredible Hulk with Ironman, write an entire new plot involving Ironman and actually name the movie "Here's More Ironman, Liz."
2) Make him erase all post-season one memories of "Heroes."
3) Have Hulk hold up hilarious LOLcat photos and snuggle with kittens.
4) Have Hulk torn limb from limb by Hellboy.
5) Or a T.rex.
6) Or Madonna.
7) Have Hulk vertically spoon Kate Winslett on the prow of a ship and yell something about being king of the world...and then get torn limb from limb by Hellboy, who happens to be vacationing.
8) Find a way for Hulk to fix global warming, world hunger, the financial crisis and that weird sound my car makes.
9) Wrestle a shark.
10) Prove the existence of the Easter Bunny and ease at least one of my childhood traumas.
11) Engage Kermit the Frog in a heartwarming debate on the difficulties inherent in being green. And then they kiss. HAWT!
12) Feed me tasty McGriddle sandwiches over the entire length of the movie.
13) Decapitate Jar Jar Binks in a lightsaber battle that quickly devolves into a Quentin Tarantino-directed bloodbath of epic proportions.
14) Perform a hilarious yet touching rendition of "Rocketman" with William Shatner and Family Guy's Stewie.
15) They could also try writing a compelling character and putting him in a meaningful story with genuine appeal that doesn't revolve around the yawn-inducing idea of, "Wow, that guy gets really big when he's angry" but that's just crazy.


Kathe said...

I can't tell from the post if you saw the latest version of The Incredible Hulk, but I urge you to give it a shot. I actually was a fan of the TV series, but REFUSED to see the abomination that Ang Lee created, that thing looked like Shrek on major roids it was so screwy green! So with trepidation I went to see this one and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. They did do a lot of nods to the original TV series and the comics (which I didn't read, but was told by friend there were nods to the comics) and though Liv Tyler's character could have probably been played by anyone, she did a good job and you can't beat William Hurt. It's not nearly as good as Ironman, but at least RDJ makes an appearance at the very end! ;o)

Bakerloo said...

Here's the thing: the Hulk always scared me as a child in a way I couldn't identify.

But then, watching the preview for this Ed Norton Hulk, I figured out why the Hulk makes me uncomfortable NOW. So, he and Liv Tyler are a thing, right? What if he...hulks out when they are....intimate?! THAT is a terrifying thought.

ALso, part of me thinks that Ed Norton is really as moody and angry as the Hulk.

emily said...

I actually *liked* Ang Lee's Hulk. A lot. But I refused to see this latest travesty.

I like your version ;-)

Marie said...

Especially to nos. 1 and 2.

The Husband said...

The Hulk sucked. I knew I married the right bird.

Miss Grace said...

I dunno, I really like Edward Norton, so I was entertained. By comic book standards it wasn't great. But it was lightly entertaining.

Sonya said...

I was only there for Tim Roth to be honest.

RedCochina said...

I refused to see The Incredible Hulk. I have been assured by family and friends that it was really good but there have been sooooo many super hero movies lately! If it showed something unique I would have been all for it but it just looks and sounds like the same old thing. And I was never a fan of the show or comics.

However, I am delighted to find that we both share a fondness for McGriddles and Stewie's Shatner/Rocketman performance!

SFG said...

psychologically, the hulk is the antithesis of nerddom, being big and dumb. think about it.

agent57 said...

I suspect Ed Norton actually is the Hulk. I like him in stuff, but I hear he's a jerk? (Not that that's unusual in stars.)

I think the thing that bugs me so much is that, coming so soon after the Ang Lee version, which got terrible reviews I seem to remember, this version seems like such a "do over" attempt. And for some reason The Hulk was one comic character I was never the least bit interested in. Yeah, yeah, you smash. I get it. Some things work better with a limited run. Does he even fight crime, or just break things?

a witt said...

I agree on all counts. People keep telling me the Norton Hulk is good, but... It looks so dopey to me. The CGI "shots" of the overly-rippled Hulk flying through the air just make me go, "What's great about this again?"

I remember as a kid, my little friend Misty said, "Let's pretend our dates are picking us up in their car. Mine is Scott Baio. Who's yours?" I said, "Lou Ferrigno." I think my interest in the Hulk died shortly after. Anyway, I read DC comics.

Sorry, I'm going on and you have no idea who I am! Anyway, great blog.


cath said...

Edward Norton one of the best actors in Hollywood. The best film was The Illusionist . Two thumbs up!
I will definitely buy dvd of the hulk movie.