* Lemonade stands, while they seem to make money for little kids, are not nearly as profitable for adult women who are selling nothing but lemonade.
* Remember, you are much more susceptible now to the dark power of daytime television. If you find yourself saying things like “My friend Ellen sure loves to dance” or “You know what I need? A good slip and fall attorney,” you know you’re in trouble. Unplug the TV set and back away from the DVR. It’s for your own good.
* You may feel a strong impulse to knit sweaters for people. That’s a good thing. But when you run out of people, you may feel a strong impulse to knit sweaters for animals and inanimate objects – that obese camel at the zoo, for example, or the chimney on your house. Resist this impulse. The animals will talk about you behind your back and the inanimate objects will just think you’re weird.
* Don’t act socially desperate. Remember, the Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t come back if you keep talking their ears off like that.
* You can kill approximately 12 minutes of your day using a straw to individually suck up the mini chocolate flakes in your Caribou Coffee Iced Lite White Berry Mocha. Or so I’ve been told.
* Building forts out of your book collection and some old sheets is fun. Pretending you’re Godzilla and kicking them over? Even more fun. Explaining to your significant other why you’re screaming like an enraged lizard and trying to shoot fire out of your mouth when they walk in the door? Not so much fun.
* Now might be a good time to learn how to cook. Helpful tip #1: Cut a one-inch hole in the plastic before you put the meal in microwave.
* Try learning a new language. Preferably a made-up one so your studying doesn't cut too much into your Great and Mighty "Buffy" Re-Watch-Apalooza of Aught Nine duties.
* Talking to yourself to stave off the loneliness is perfectly acceptable. Putting the severed head of a Pikachu on your hand and answering back is not.
* In the summer months, crop circles are a fun alternative to traditional mowing.
* Now might be a good time to bone up on your quantum physics. Lesson one: string theory has nothing to do with cheese or kittens.
* You know how you bought that Wonder Woman costume a long time ago as a joke but never had the guts to try it on? You have the time now to do it. Just remember to be careful while wearing it because if you fall and die, you’re going to creep the hell out of the neighbor who finds you.
Any others you can think of?