Thursday, July 09, 2009

Unhelpful Tips for the Unemployed Girl Nerd

* Lemonade stands, while they seem to make money for little kids, are not nearly as profitable for adult women who are selling nothing but lemonade.

* Remember, you are much more susceptible now to the dark power of daytime television. If you find yourself saying things like “My friend Ellen sure loves to dance” or “You know what I need? A good slip and fall attorney,” you know you’re in trouble. Unplug the TV set and back away from the DVR. It’s for your own good.

* You may feel a strong impulse to knit sweaters for people. That’s a good thing. But when you run out of people, you may feel a strong impulse to knit sweaters for animals and inanimate objects – that obese camel at the zoo, for example, or the chimney on your house. Resist this impulse. The animals will talk about you behind your back and the inanimate objects will just think you’re weird.

* Don’t act socially desperate. Remember, the Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t come back if you keep talking their ears off like that.

* You can kill approximately 12 minutes of your day using a straw to individually suck up the mini chocolate flakes in your Caribou Coffee Iced Lite White Berry Mocha. Or so I’ve been told.

* Building forts out of your book collection and some old sheets is fun. Pretending you’re Godzilla and kicking them over? Even more fun. Explaining to your significant other why you’re screaming like an enraged lizard and trying to shoot fire out of your mouth when they walk in the door? Not so much fun.

* Now might be a good time to learn how to cook. Helpful tip #1: Cut a one-inch hole in the plastic before you put the meal in microwave.

* Try learning a new language. Preferably a made-up one so your studying doesn't cut too much into your Great and Mighty "Buffy" Re-Watch-Apalooza of Aught Nine duties.

* Talking to yourself to stave off the loneliness is perfectly acceptable. Putting the severed head of a Pikachu on your hand and answering back is not.

* In the summer months, crop circles are a fun alternative to traditional mowing.

* Now might be a good time to bone up on your quantum physics. Lesson one: string theory has nothing to do with cheese or kittens.

* You know how you bought that Wonder Woman costume a long time ago as a joke but never had the guts to try it on? You have the time now to do it. Just remember to be careful while wearing it because if you fall and die, you’re going to creep the hell out of the neighbor who finds you.

Any others you can think of?

19 comments:

teapotgirl said...

I may have to disagree on the knitting for inanimate objects since I'm a big fan of tree sweaters, like this one

Cara King said...

String theory does, however, have some bearing on Schrödinger's cat...and FWIW, it's never been satisfactorily demonstrated that Schrödinger's cat is not a kitten.

Also for the list:

-- constantly going to Entertainment Weekly's website to leave comments in support of (a) Pushing Daisies, (b) Chuck, or (c) Supernatural (e.g. "Jensen Ackles totally deserves an Emmy nomination, and if Lee Pace doesn't win this year I'm going to eat pie till I burst!") doesn't actually make you a better fan. (Though it is fun.)

-- watching "White and Nerdy" over and over on youtube doesn't do much to improve your job resume. (Though it, too, is fun.)

Blue Morpho said...

I've caught up on all the shows I'm too embarrassed to let my Significant Other know that I watch (Aka Smallville)

I've come up with several amazing, yet completely useless and impractical business ideas (one including a head-scratching spa.. think about it.. yeah? yeah?!)

I've made about 3kg of home made potato gnocchi when I went through a spell of wanting to "rediscover" my italian roots. It wound up in the trash.

Not to mention the amount of time I've managed to kill on twitter and etsy.

Wantneko04 said...

I did the same thing with perogis and Polish food...only to get bored about halfway through and shove the unmade mix in the fridge.

Facebook quizzes...I now know what color represents me best, what kind of dog I am, and what wacky Billy Mays product I am...

Despite my good judgment, I read the Twilight series and found the main character to be a whiny, poor excuse for a female role model.

Post-it notes are also amusing on many levels...

-ic0re said...

OK, so I too have about 37lbs of homemade gnocchi in my freezer - apparently this *is* what you do. I even changed some of it, first adding spinach, garlic, and a rather delicious cinnamon flavored batch.

Also, video games. And not just Mario Kart and Sims, but silly vapid flash games like Sally Spa and Build-a-Lot (get it? you build a lot, and you build alot).

Liz said...

Oh my God, you guys are cracking me up. Teapotgirl, I cannot believe there are actually tree sweaters -- that is brilliant!

Blue Morpho, I do that catching up on TV shows thing, too. I'm sneaking in season 2 of Torchwood these days.

Wantneko04, I'm going to have to look into the potential of Post-Its more closely.

And I'm impressed with all the cooking that's going on!

FlyingMonkeyHQ said...

Does watching reruns of Quantum Leap count as brushing up on Quantum Physics? Oh Boy!

And why stop at YouTube videos of White and Nerdy...I managed to kill almost 2 hours watching UHF (Gotta love Weird Al!!)

Have to agree about all the Facebook quizzes...And that FarmTown game? If only I could make that much money selling onions for real!

Video games are good. Spend a lot of time brushing up on my singing skills, and can sing a pretty mean version of Crazy Train.

Another great time waster? Diagnose all your friends with a DSM-IV-TR. What better way to say "I love you" than to diagnose your significant other as a Narcissist with Generalized Anxiety Disorder?

agent57 said...

Blue Morpho - If that head scratching spa ever pans out, can I work there? I have references that can attest to my head scratching talents.

-ic0re - I've spent a lot of time this week playing room escape games. So infuriatingly addictive!

I haven't actually succumbed to the TV yet, choosing instead to spend my semi-unemployed time in from of the computer instead. Some of that time is spent actually looking for jobs (gasp!) but really most of it is spent regretting things.

agent57 said...

Scott Bakula can step into my Project Accelerator any time! Hahaha hah ah... *cough*

FlyingMonkeyHQ said...

Agent 57...My thoughts exactly! ;) Of course, he might have to clear out some of the cobwebs... :(

The perils of a single nerd girl. *sigh*

Amauriel said...

I have returned to the life I had when I was about 8, I think. I've watched entire seasons of the Gummi Bears, Darkwing Duck, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and the like.

I have also been playing dumb flash games.

And I bought a coloring book and crayons, and have used it.

I need to find a job soon!

Kate said...

*Alphabetizing my books made it easier to see how many copies of The Lord of the Rings and Pride and Prejudice I actually own. Remember if you choose to do this, it's a good plan to separate out the non-fiction. Make early decisions about Mc* names (before Ma* or after Mb*) and leave time for rereading favorite sections of rediscovered texts.

agent57 said...

"leave time for rereading favorite sections of rediscovered texts."

Such a project would take years!

Mal said...

Excellent timing! I got laid off the other week.

So far I have:

* Overhauled my desk area because it's where I'm spending A LOT more time (even though I used it loads anyway), giving a chance to rid it of boxes of teabags and to dust the dinosaurs I keep all over it. Dinosaurs are sad when they get dusty!

* Organised my stationery draw. This is VERY important! I have now made it possible to find pens - no mean feat. Even with the 3 penpots I have on my desk, none of which contain anything useful like, say, a pen.

* Using the time this week to catch up on the new Torchwood, but I somehow can't manage more than an hour at a time, and I'm now SO behind with this week's crazy 5 episode in a week broadcast schedule That I may expire after 4 straight hours of it (hiding from spoilers!)

* Watching all of Batman:The Animated Series

* STARTED playing WOW. (now THERE's an unhelpful tip! ;) )

* Baked dozens of cupcakes, burnt biscuits, etc.

* Refreshed EVERY social media/networking/blogging/RSS thing that I belong to WAY too many times...

Adam said...

Mal -- you don't have to succumb to WoW! It ate my soul for a year and a half, but a helpful week-long bout with the flu helped me break out. Run away!

(You'll thank me when you hit level 40 and have to go to all the worst zones on Azeroth.)

Laurie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Laurie said...

Oh god, why can't nerdy girls team up to make money somehow?

I have spent my time since getting fired doing the following:

-running around the country on my last paycheck, getting drunk

-quantifying human emotions and experiences, such as The Awkward Curve (which calculates how awkward the next time you see somebody will be after an awkward encounter given a decay over time), the initial point of which is determined by a complex algorithm based on the closeness of your prior friendship, the number of times such an awkward encounter has happened, the intimacy of the initial awkward encounter, and three other variables.

-playing Scrabble with all comers, which is unfortunately few after the first time I play them

-trying to decide where to pick up and move to since I'm taking another year off before grad school out of loan-fear.

Laurie said...

Also, I have created the official Celebrity Death Bingo scorecard. I can send you the template to make your own, but here's my contribution (and explanation of how it works):

http://docs.google.com/View?id=ddvb99kd_1f64x7xgn

Kelly said...

Two weeks ago, I vowed to read all the classic sci-fi novels I somehow missed growing up (Dune, Neuromancer, etc.) I blogged about it, wondering how I'd find the time.

Last week, I was laid off.

Hooray?