Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Nerd Apocalypse Survival Kit

While all the run-of-the-mill survivalists out there are stockpiling soup cans and ammo, shouldn’t we nerdy types be preparing our own provisions? Aside from the food and water essentials, here are a few items I’d suggest putting aside in case the aliens land or the sun starts bleeding unicorns anytime soon:

Dice – Perfect for a quick game of D&D or a cavalier method of deciding who lives and who dies.

Shaun of the Dead DVD – Likely to be more of a “how to” than a “zombie rom-com” at this point.

Your inflatable David Boreanaz doll – Now I’m not saying you have one of these but if you did, it might make sense to pack it in case, you know, it floods or something and you have to ride it to safety. NO JUDGING!

A copy of Strunk and White – Being survivors of an apocalypse doesn’t mean we care less about adverb use. We are not animals…unless you’ve been bitten by a werewolf in which case, sorry.

Martin Sheen – Rebuilding society is TOTALLY our opportunity to put Bartlet in charge. Plus the dude survived “Apocalypse Now.” Prepared? I think so.

Lightsaber -- Some dinky flashlight from Costco or a giant beam of Jedi-fueled brilliance that makes cool noises in the dark? Exactly.

“Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog” soundtrack – I always picture the end of the world as a prolonged camping trip but with fewer marshmallows and more existential despair. And what would perk up the worst camping trip of all? Holding hands around the dying embers of civilization and belting out a rousing chorus of “Bad Horse.”

The cast of Bravo's "NYC Prep" – Nine times out of ten with these apocalypses, there’s gonna be human sacrifice. I’m just sayin’…

Lassie – We know she’s a hero when Timmy gets trapped in a well. How will she perform when Timmy gets trapped in the 9th circle of Hell? My prediction? Woof-tastically.

Your Comic-Con ticket – When the banking system goes offline, all we’ll have left is barter. I know it’ll be hard to part with – do I buy a bag of life-sustaining rice or go see what’s left of the “Torchwood” panel? Sometimes the apocalypse is about tough choices.

The cast of “Mythbusters” – When the zombie hordes come running at you and you have to blow up that propane tank to stop them, do you want some guy who lights sparklers once a year rigging your explosives or do you want the experts? You’re gonna want the experts. Plus, they always tell good jokes before the shrapnel flies!

T-shirt with sarcastic saying – EVERYONE’S going to be a sarcastic bastard when the world ends. Save yourself the effort of wordy quips – you’ll need to preserve your energy for escaping those packs of wild dogs -- and just put your nihilistic world view on a t-shirt. Cute and functional!

A spatula – Would you really want to stumble upon a box of Bisquick and not be prepared?

Anything I've missed? Please add it in the comments.

48 comments:

Anonymous said...

A towel? No good nerd should be without theirs...

Liz said...

Good point! Towels are very important. Pajamas, too, I would think.

Anonymous said...

machete/seasoned salt for use w/ cast of nyc prep-- i bet they're wicked bland. blech.

Megan said...

A towel, for sure.

The Science Manly said...

Towel is a must, followed by the newest edition of the Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It's soft cover with the words "Don't Panic" will be helpful during those days where the maddness never ceases.

I would also, for survival in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, MacGyver! Him AND the Mythbusters would be an unstoppable mutant/zombie killer team!

Tace said...

OH oh oh!! I have given much thought to the post "boom'locka'boom" aka apocalypse days. What I've decided I'll need most is my 1974 copy of Webster's Thesaurus. Civilization may break down, collapse, crumple, decay, delapidate and fall apart and I want to make sure I'll be able to describe it good on my blog aka tree trunk. Also, I am saving my non-recyclable daisy sour cream containers to build a shelter as well. Bring it on end of days, I'm like 1.76 % ready!

Sandra said...

+ A poster of Buffy... to pray asking for strenght.
+ A towel, of course.
+ And, like the girl who just named McGyver: A clip and some duct tape. You know, in case you have to build a bomb, open a locked house or build a tank.

Cara King said...

Ooh, I'm definitely seconding/thirding/nthing the Towel suggestion...

also:

-- lots of random pairs of eyeglasses, because my prescription may change

-- a key to the local library, so I can live there and lock the door to keep the zombies out

-- a stationary bike and a power cord, so I can hook them up and power my computer by pedaling.

liz said...

screwdriver (sonic or otherwise)? they always come in handy...

deidre said...

When I think spatula, I think about Cordelia using one as a weapon...is that just me?

crone51 said...

I have nothing to add. I am just sitting here chuckling mightily and applauding posts and comments.

Well done!

Emily said...

I'd say first and foremost we need someone to really invent a transporter so that we can hop off this zombie riddled rock in favor of a new planet which we can then turn into an apocalyptic waste land etc etc.

And a towel, of course.

ydtulsa said...

I would add the "Once More With Feeling" soundtrack to go along with the Dr. Horrible. There's no better call to arms that "Walk Through the Fire"

... plus a towel and a screwdriver.

Jules said...

-A Towel,
-A rocket launcher
-A stake (for when the vamps come). -The Zombie Survival Guide.
-Sonic Screw Driver
-Some sort of amulet that will prevent the apocalypse from actually happen at the very last second.

Sara D. said...

My one question is: Do they really make inflatable David Boreanaz dolls? My interest is, um...purely theoretical.

luciarosa said...

Plus, the spatula could double as a weapon, albeit a pathetic one (see Cordelia, in "Homecoming"). Apparently it's better than a phone.

squirrelmagnet said...

If one were concerned about the aforementioned possibility of flooding, where might one obtain said inflatable Boreanaz?

Anonymous said...

If you wear glasses, you'd want extra pairs so you don't end up like the broken glasses guy from the "Time Enough at Last" episode of the Twilight Zone.

Amauriel said...

Am I the only one who read 'Spatula' and immediately thought of Weird Al?

Also, the towel is a must. Then, if you forgot anything else, anyone who you might be with would know you were a hoopy frood and would therefore be willing to share.

Rafael said...

An inflatable what? Why would I want one of those?

(For the love of God, don't answer that!:)

Now the red head from Mythbusters? Fun time girl that knows her way around gadgets and guns? Can't go wrong there!

:D

Anonymous said...

Here are my additions:

extra dilithium crystals
tricorder

unfrufru said...

a delorean and a Flux Capacitor, so we can go back and stop the invasion

GreatWizard said...

Strunk and White?! Don't you know all good nerds use "Words Into Type"! Also, don't forget the Conan the Barbarian DVD. After all, how else would your girlfriend know the resurrection trick needed after the zombie master is done nailing you to the tree of woe?

Suzanne said...

I love it! Now, please tell me where i can buy the David Boreanaz blow-up doll? Huh? Pretty please???

Rachel said...

Towel is good.
So is McGyver.
I would need my iPod, so small, and yet it contains all my music and plenty of good, nerdy TV episodes!
And [insert title of own favorite book here]. What nerd could live without his/her favorite book?
Now that I have made my additions to the list: where can I get my inflatable David Boreanaz? Cuz, you know, I...might need to float to safety....or something....

Sarah said...

Amauriel - Nope!! My first thought was the entire "Spatula City" commercial.

LG said...

1) A gun, used to subdue #2...

2) A few surviving actors and TV writers. I'll give up civilization, but damned if I'll give up scripted entertainment. The lack of things like electricity will make special features hard to come buy, but at least there will be endless hours of commentary (see #1 for clarification).

3) Print outs of every lolcat ever submitted. The escapades of basement cat and the desperate endeavor to gain more cheezeburgers will provide solace in the dark days of the apocalypse.

4) Whatever's left of John Cena. I'm not greedy. A leg, a few fingers, a chunk of ribcage. I'll make do.

5) Maps to all Barnes & Nobel distribution centers.

Alice said...

seeing as I'm planning to strand on an island next week, it would be very helpful if you could point me in the direction of one david boreanaz inflatable doll. thanks.

DreamRose311 said...

Forget adding just a plain old stake, add a replica of Buffy's Scythe. Yeaaaaah

Dayna said...

Totally agree on the towel, duck tape, "Once More With Feeling" soundtrack and the cast from Mythbusters.

But lets not forget...

-boomstick
-magic 8 ball (for those really hard decisions)
-your copy of Pride & Prejudice & Zombies (so you can take strength and notes on how easily Elizabeth dispatches the zombies)

Bohimeon said...

Don't forget the condoms, especially the glow in the dark kind. Lots of uses and besides... there will be no TV.

Anonymous said...

Great list, but most of the nerd girls I know would be looking to trade their inflatable Boreanaz for an inflatable James Marsters.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the towel, but gotta admit I want the James Marster's doll for the floating.
Also, if we're saving the script writers for the entertainment - no one better to save than Joss Wheadon. Can make us laugh while inspiring us to survive the fall.
The world is definately doomed.

MK said...

Is there really an inflatable David Boreanaz doll?? *wants* And maybe a James Marsters doll to keep David!doll company...

Liz said...

I think I need to call the Mutant Enemy marketing people right away and let them know a David Boreanaz/James Marsters inflatable doll would be a HUGE hit. Hey, maybe it could even fund a Dr. Horrible sequel! And then we'd all be buying them for a good cause -- it's a win-win.

Jo said...

Excellent list!

I would also point out that self-defense will probably be a necessity in the end-of-days, so I'd suggest keeping your Buffy DVD collection with you for training purposes...Season 7 in particular. We can all be Slayerettes now.

Also, we'll need some tight brown leather pants, a la Zoe and Mal. Because, you know, feeling that badass will boost our confidence and thus our likelihood of survival.

Erin said...

Love the list! I'm all for Lassie and the guys from Myth Busters being on my side, but I'd also like to put a vote in for Sam and Dean Winchester to make an appearance at my campsite. If I'm going to inevitably be eaten by a zombie I want to at least go out happy.

Adam said...

Instead of the dice, can we use people's knowledge of semicolon usage as the evaluation tool for who lives and who dies? We'll already have a copy of Strunk and White just in case we need a reference. Just asking.

Jill said...

The towel can also double as a lovely, crime-fighting cape!

CrazyCris said...

a set of unbreakable glasses so you won't be left blind when someone tries to steal your well-planned-ahead supplies!

and to add to the MacGyver theme: a swiss army knife!!!

great list!
popped in from Whedonesque and I think I'm going to have to hang around for a while doing some tourism in here! ;o)

Graeme said...

Ok after reading the additions...I agree with many of them. But I think that if the Mythbusters team is there (and I can help repopulate the world with Kari) instead of MacGyver having Ash from the Evil Dead movies would be a better addition. Ash + MB Crew= Zombie Death!!

Denyalle said...

A towel for obvious reasons and a Swiass Army knife!

Addie said...

I read "spatula" and immediately thought "Bakula." Which sounds good to me...minus the Bisquick. Or maybe not...

Beej said...

Haha, fantastic. I would replace the Shaun of the Dead DVD with an audiobook of Dune or Ender's Game or something, but I'm right with you!

Anonymous said...

Deidre: I thought the same thing!! Cordelia with the spatula. Definitely not the rifle, anyways. =)

Attackbunny said...

Any chance of swapping the Boreanz doll for a Buffy?
Two sadly forgotten items: Fire extinguisher and space blanket (cuz nobody is quite sure which way it will go)
Glow sticks-can be used to build aforementioned light-saber
Bear Grylls and Les Stroud-face it, Macgyver isn't real and Mythbusters cast is far too slow and they'd lose all their mojo after the first night when I cut of that asinine lip warmer
Patch kit for Buffy
Bug spray and sunscreen

The Razors Edge said...

Lassie is kind of a multi tool of sorts not only will they help spot trouble and find little Timmy in the well. But if you're short of food you can alwats eat the dog.

The Razors Edge said...

You can't survive the apocalypse without Twinkies. Without that there would be no point in surviving at all.