Thursday, October 29, 2009

10 Reasons Dating a Vampire Sucks

10. They can't go outside in the daytime.
Honestly, you might as well be dating a well-dressed rock for all the daytime action you won't be enjoying with this dead weight around your neck. No days out at the art fair or trips to the ballgame. Even if you somehow get him to the beach, he'll just embarrass you with his gamy white skin before bursting into flames and taking his shame with him. And in the time it takes him to immolate, you wouldn't even be able to roast a marshmallow. Vampires even ruin beach s'mores. Jerks.

9. They don't like garlic...and now you can't either.
Remember all those fun times and delicious meals you had at your local Olive Garden? Yeah, I hope you took some pictures because those were the last bread sticks and meatballs you'll ever ingest, thanks to the big pasty loser moping next to you.

8. They're invisible in mirrors.
Vampires can't see their own reflections. That means your bloodlusty beau will be depending on you, missy, to tell him what he looks like EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY. "Do these pants make me look hippy?" "Does this cape make me look fey?" "Is my widow's peak too derivative of Grandpa Munster?" Natter, natter, natter. Trust me, you're going to wish you could stake him twice.

7. They're nocturnal.
You know how sometimes your cat spazzes out and gets all hyper in the middle of the night, running back and forth over your face and yowling until you pet it? Right there? That's your new boyfriend. He just hasn't decided to poop in a box yet.

6. Stranger in a strange land syndrome
Have you ever gone to a foreign country and met one of your countrymen out of the blue and suddenly, you two are best friends because there's no one else like you within a 50 mile radius? Count Lonelypants is going to do that too. He'll want to be friends with every other vampire he runs into. And then he'll drag them back to your place and they'll stay up all night drinking hamsters and talking about how much Transylvania's changed and how you never want to let him bite you anymore even though you guys used to bite each other like bunnies four or five times a day. Wah, wah, wah!

5. He'll relate to every vampyric pop culture reference ever made.
Want to make a joke about "Twilight?" He'll sulk for days. Casually mention that no vampire will ever be better than Spike? He'll lock himself in his casket for a week. Declare that Coppola's "Dracula" wasn't as bad as you remembered? He'll freeze you out for months. Even worse, he'll get all excited about the vampires he likes -- Count Chocula, Bram Stoker, Ann Coulter. Boring!

4. He'll be skittish around the word "stake."
No more "going Outback tonight" for you guys. The first time he hears "$9.99 for a 6 ounce steak" he's going to run like a pretty little girl, and berate you for your insensitivity. And then you'll laugh and laugh and laugh...

3. He'll be all arrogant and authoritative about vampire lore.
Could Bugs Bunny really turn that vampire into a bat by saying, "Hocus Pocus?" Would the mullets of "The Lost Boys" have been accepted within the stylist wheelhouse? Do fang whiteners really work? And how the hell do you floss overgrown incisors anyway? He'll tell you, and probably in a fancy voice.

2. One word: capes
Some of your more old school and debonair vampires likely will wear capes, better suited to sweeping departures down dark alleys and hiding stolen watches for sale after baseball games. That's all well and good, but here's your problem. Have you ever tried to hang up a cape? It's impossible! There's no shoulders or sleeves; they just slide right off the hanger. So then you just drape them over a chair right? No, because then they get wrinkled. How about hanging them over a balcony? Again with the wrinkles. You could pin them to something, but then there's holes in the fabric. You, quite literally, will spend weeks trying to figure out what to do with this goddamn cape.

1. Everyone hates a biter.
Remember in grade school when there was always some little boy named Timmy or Blake who would run up and just randomly bite people to get attention? Remember how much you hated him and tried to stuff him into the tire swing? Your buddy Count Nipalot is going to want to bite you ALL THE TIME. And sure, the first few times are fun if you're into that, but after a while, you're going to get anemic and then you're going to have to eat more spinach. So think about that: biting and spinach. What kind of life is that?

What do you think? What reasons would keep you from becoming the warmer half of a vampire couple?


LadyGaga said...

I love biters. ^.^

dr.gambit said...

classic liz...please add this one to the greatest hits/vault on the home page. thanks for making my day!!

Karina said...

This was hillarious! And let's not forget that the are all mopy and "woe is me" about everything...who wants a Debbie Downer around all the time?

tenor_mongoose said...

Oh, this is priceless! Thanks for the laugh. :-)

Nate Black said...

Well, the whole "I'll live on to date way hotter people when you're old and fat" thing is never a plus. However, if it turns out to be a bad breakup you've got a million ways to get back at them... for starters, the old "Change-the-am-to-pm-on-your-alarm" prank all of a sudden has new consequences/possibilities for revenge *smiles knowingly*

Eleni said...

Brilliant. You make many good points. I couldn't stand to give up garlic. Or steaks. Steak with garlic butter... Mmmm.

Katharine Eliska Kimbriel said...

The "no blood flow since I'm dead, which means no horizontal samba, sorry all you paranormal fans" part could take a lot of the fun out of an attractive man. AND -- emotion is chemical. So, does he have emotions, or does he just pretend to have them? Poser.

Picture Imperfect said...

Bring on the bites!

I'm your newest fan, Liz! :) This is fantastic!

Lisa said...

I'll stick to the corn-fed Iowa boys. Boo on biters!

Kit said...

One of the best parts of a living, breathing boyfriend is climbing into a warm bed when it's cold outside. The idea of a room temperature corpse in my bed is unappealing.

Katharine Eliska Kimbriel said...

Kit's right, still another simple yet important thing about warm-blooded, living men. Cold nights, fireplaces, hot drinks and warm men. Better than a hot rice sack -- as long as you don't get one that complains about a sleeping partner making him too warm!

Shanna Swendson said...

I was going to mention the room-temperature factor, but it seems I've been beaten to it. Ewwww.

I would also worry that he might get hungry and be tempted to snack on me if there's no other readily available food supply. A human male might get grouchy, but I wouldn't have to worry about him draining my blood.

Quilt Monkey said...

"Drinking hamsters". Priceless. Thanks for the laugh!

balupton said...

They make it work in trueblood :/

Anonymous said...

They take all the fun out of World of Darkness games.

The Modern Gal said...

Two thumbs up.

Dating said...

I love biters too! :))

Anonymous said...

This is a great post - funny and imaginative. Would be fun to do one on werewolves also; I mean, who wants to get eaten by their date! Reprinted (with full credit of course!) on for others to share :-)

J. said...

It's hilarious!
I just found your blog by pure random and I think I'm gonna love it... :)
To be honest, I was also a little jealous reading your post, because it is exactly the subject of a short-film I made last year - I was like, no waaaaaaay! But I'm happy to see it was so well written ;)

Keep on writing!

(And in case you're curious...!/video/video.php?v=471034929673 )

Sleeping with a Vampire said...

What about the 100+ years worth of emotional baggage? That's always fun to deal with!