Google Wave: What the Hell Is It?

For weeks now, I've been hearing people talk about Google Wave yet I have no idea what it is or what it does or what it's for. And I can't seem to muster enough enthusiasm to find out. So I've decided to remain ignorant on the matter for as long as possible and instead offer up my guesses as to what Google Wave might be. I've devised several possibilities:

1) It's a device that will be implanted in sports fans -- by invitation only -- and provide an electric shock to let those fans know when it's time to stand up, cheer and throw their arms in the air at sporting events. The shock will be mild enough to not cause fire or loss of bladder control, but strong enough to remind people that sports teams aren't paid to just sit around and cheer for themselves.

2) It's a mechanism that will enable actual live cats to wave like a Japanese lucky cat, i.e., like this:

With this one, I predict trouble and assume that after a short period of time, the cats will rebel and "lucky cat" will become synonymous with murderous, rampaging felines hellbent on restoring their former dignity and asserting themselves over humanity, mostly by vomiting binary hairballs.

3) Google Wave may also be the search engine giant's attempt at bringing back the classic hairstyle of the 1960s, beloved by playful gentlemen such as this fellow, who was once beaten mercilessly by Don Draper for even bothering to grow facial hair when obviously his only intention was to mistreat it. True fact: despite the pummeling, the wave never moved.

4) Perhaps the Wave is a carnival ride, designed to spin children in thrilling and entertaining ways before some carny forgets to lock the gate and all hell breaks loose and before you know it, Ralph Nader's all over Google's back about safety issues and Google's like, "yeah, whatever, if your seat belts had worked, Timmy wouldn't be in that tree right now" and Ralph Nader's like, "Yeah, that's what your mom said," and Google's all confused and eventually the two sides just lose interest and Timmy has to stay in the tree until a kitten climbs up there and the fire department decides to rescue both of them. Yay, happy ending!

5) Fingers crossed, but I'm really hoping that Google Wave is what we've all decided to call New New Wave music, meaning synthesizers and eye liner for men is on it's way back, baby! Return to me, Flock of Seagulls and Wang Chung! Let us dance as the wind blows through your ruffled shirts and then stops dead at the gates of your over-moussed hair. New New Wave music would be the greatest gift Google ever gave me besides the image search that gave me that one picture of David Tennant in a kilt.

6) Is it simply one of these, and this is Google's way of telling me they finally own everything on the face of the Earth, including nature and the wave that made Keanu Reeves look awesome in "Point Break?"


Whatever Google Wave turns out to be, I just hope it's not some lame-ass application meant to streamline my work and home life. I already have one of those. It's called a piece of paper and a pencil. Now bring me New New Wave!