I knew I stayed unathletic for a reason

This week’s New York Magazine has a pom-pom shaking article on what it’s like to be a sedentary magazine writer who apparently goes temporarily insane and for the sake of an article, tries out to be member of the New Jersey Nets dance squad. Author Arianne Cohen showed up alongside 200 other hopefuls for the team’s annual open tryouts and ran into all of the cheerleaders who ever “accidentally” bumped into you in the dining hall, causing you to spill cherry Coke down the front of every new Morrissey t-shirt you ever owned. And no, Cohen didn’t take the audition seriously at all, bless her little keyboard-wielding soul:

“Strangely, even though I don’t dance, the team manager promised that I wouldn’t be the least talented wannabe there. I was probably the least tanned, though….”

And later:

“I pulled at my quads next to Christina Iannelli, who at 19 has already been a Philadelphia 76ers dancer, her abdomen smeared in body glitter and in a pink-sequined bra top. ‘I’m really nervous,’ she said. ‘I’m moving to New York City, and the only options are here or the Knicks.’ I asked whether the thick black hair spilling down her back would get in her way. ‘I think it’s an asset!’ she said. ‘I like getting all sexy with it.’ Hair in your mouth seems to be a crucial part of being a dancer, so I decided to leave my hair down, too.”

You've got to love the delicate nature of the sarcasm, so subtle and wispy that the young Jerseyites being mocked might miss it altogether, which hopefully means that Cohen will not get a fuschia nailfile shiv in the back anytime soon. Which also hopefully means she’ll be around to mock pageant participants and/or everyone who works at Abercrombie and Fitch. Fingers crossed!