That goes for you and your little dog, too!

Some things get better as technology advances. Robots, for example, and running shoes. Other things, however, were not meant to be improved. Ponies are pretty much awesome as they are. Monkeys, too, should never be mechanized. I would add a third item to this list: Underdog. Underdog is meant to be a cartoon and is meant to stay exactly the way I remember him when I was five years old. He had a ratty blue cape, the color was a little washed out and he had a non-descript voice that sounded just as you would imagine a superhero dog sounding. Either that or he didn’t talk at all – I can’t remember. I know my real dog didn’t talk. I might be getting them mixed up.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, I hate the idea of the Underdog remake, which is scheduled to open this week. I don’t want to see a real dog strapped into a harness, blazing across a CGI sky. And I don’t want to see the “real” dog’s lips moving, and I certainly don’t want to hear Jason Lee’s voice come out of its mouth when they do. I mean, I love Jason Lee but he’s got this slacker voice and, well, Underdog’s a superhero. He’s a Type A personality. He’s not going to be out in the parking lot smoking with Kevin Smith.

This is just really infringing on my childhood memories, and I don’t like it one bit. There are certain things that are better left unimproved…including everything I ever watched on TV as a kid. That means no I Love Lucy remakes. No remakes of The Monkees. And no remakes of Ultraman. That dude was meant to wear a giant silver unitard and fight crime. He was not meant to be sleek nor futuristic. He was meant to be campy and awesome. Not everything needs to be remade, Hollywood, least of all my favorite crime-fighting dog. For that I will continue to hurl epithets at the TV screen every time that new CGI-ed imposter raises his ugly little ears. Yeah, I’m that immature.