Thursday, February 28, 2008

20 Questions For Women Who Aren't Us

Why do you wear flip flops in the winter and Ugg boots in the summer?

How does it not faze you to reveal so much cleavage you could be confused with two zeppelins racing for the ground? Don't the leers of the homeless make you the least bit uncomfortable?

Is it really that important to be the first one in line/on the bus/at the cash register?

Is that conversation you're having on your cell phone REALLY important enough to share with everyone?

Why does he stay with someone so mean? No really, I need tips.

What is it with you and Oprah?

How do you not choke on your gum when you pay $150 for a pair of jeans?

And why do you wear high heels with those jeans? It makes no kind of sense unless you're simultenously farming and clubbing. Are you farming and clubbing?

How do you manage to look friendly and judgmental all at the same time?

Have you been able to sleep on your stomach since the implants?

Why do you drive a 12-passenger Yukon when the only people in the car are you, your kid and your lap dog? I try to flip you off but you’re too high up to see me. This is what it’s like when little people get mad at Shaq.

How come when you put blush on it looks good but when I do it, I look like the 87-year-old cross-dressing prostitute that all the other 87-year-old cross-dressing prostitutes make fun of?

Has "Cosmopolitan" Magazine really ever really “helped you hold on to your man?” I think fake pregnancies are more effective but whatever...

Do I have to scrap book?

What’s up with lying to fellow women and making childbirth sound so great? Childbirth means the following items will rocket out of your body: a placenta, blood, a human being, more blood and something called a mucus plug. If gold bullion shot out of my body, I could see being excited.

This is a two-part question: has a stiff wind ever blown you over? If given a sandwich, would you eat it?

Why do you wave your hands in front of your face when you cry? Are you trying to keep the mascara dry or are you doing LOLCat jazz hands? I hope it’s the latter because everyone loves LOLCats.

Do cheerleaders ever turn on each other? You know, like prison snitches?

Why do you let Bret Michaels touch you?

You seriously don't like "Star Wars?" Seriously?

-- Liz and Ms. C. Our claws are now comfortably retracted.


moggy said...

HAA!! I love it! I could've asked every single one of these questions myself!


Steph said...

Do chunky boots with heels count? Cause us short people use them so we don't have to crane our necks to look someone in the eye. (Or I do anyway.)

Don't be fooled by all those floofy baby pages. Scrap booking nerdy obsessions is awesome. Seriously.

Scrap Irony said...

Whether they're farming or clubbing the word hoe is applicable. Just thought I'd mention that.

And an additional question,

How do you read Nicholas Sparks, really, how? It's all great and good that you're reading anything at all, but really, Nicholas Sparks? If any book could leak sap, it'd be one of his.

Liz said...

Thanks, Moggy!

Steph, no, chunky boots with heels don't count. Those are totally acceptable. It's the stiletto heels with the bell bottoms that seem nuts to me. And I'm cool with non-floofy baby paging scrap books. :-)

Scrap Irony, I love your question. Maybe we can do a sequel list?

Jessica said...

I do not get the scrap booking phenomenon at all. Aren't scrap books supposed to be crafted with, you know, scraps of things from whatever it is you're remembering? And not pre-fabricated stuff from the store? It baffles me.

Anonymous said...

There should definitely be a sequel list, and it should include the following corollary to question 19:

Why do you continue to throw yourselves at Flavor Flav?

Liz said...

tgrfan23, I forgot all about Flavor Flav. What the hell is wrong with America?!!

Anonymous said...

I get blown around by the wind all the time, but I would like a sandwich, please.

bikegirl said...

Human barbie dolls. I just don't get it.
I've seen girls here in Ontario Canada running around in a foot of snow wearing those ballet slipper type shoes. I saw one girl actually lose one in the snow and hopped around on one foot trying to find it. I'll never understand people like that.

Mickie Poe said...

HAHA! "Why do you continue to throw yourselves at Flavor Flav?" Sequel list! Sequel list! Sequel list at lunch!

Anonymous said...

You. Are. Amazing. Thank you for giving us girl nerds a voice.


mamacita said...

Here's mine:

Seriously, what is your problem with Hillary Clinton? What does her husband's philandering really have to do with her career as a statesman? Why do you care so much if she wears pantsuits?

lilacsigil said...

Don't be fooled by the fluffy scrapbookers - there's no shortage of Goth crafters and all the scrapbooking stuff can be used for art journals.

I live way out in the country where a lot of people need giant cars for the dirt roads, but I see far more giant cars when I'm in the city. And people there can't actually handle their enormous vehicles, or park them.

But I will never understand why most of the women I work with have never even SEEN Star Wars! Love your list!

Amanda said...

"Childbirth means the following items will rocket out of your body..."

This made the water I was drinking rocket out of my body.

ea757grrl said...

Oh, wow. I'm out of breath after that post. Wow. Thank you for saying what I've been thinking for years!

The Modern Gal said...

"Is that conversation you're having on your cell phone REALLY important enough to share with everyone" ... in the public restroom?

Seriously my biggest pet peeve.

Anonymous said...

I tell any woman who asks exactly how much childbirth sucks. I will not perpetuate the myth.

Anonymous said...

WOW!!!!! loved it seriously!

next question: how manny weeks does it take to get all of that plaster off of your face?
Whats the deal with 50 cent and Soulja' boy?

Chris said...

Hee hee - and why don't you look before you change lanes? Are you afraid you'll drop your cell phone if you turn your head?

SFG said...

Seriously, what is your problem with Hillary Clinton? What does her husband's philandering really have to do with her career as a statesman? Why do you care so much if she wears pantsuits?
I didn't have the sense it was non-nerd women who went after her, actually, more right-wing men.

And Obama's supporters, but I don't think they really hate her, they just want their guy to win.

RedCochina said...

I haven't laughed that hard in at least a month. Thank you so much for making me feel normal for my geeky interests and cynical humor.

Liz said...

Welcome to the club, redcochina!

sharky said...

Sweetness! I will admit to wearing high heels with jeans -- sorry -- but everything else on that list was spot on.

Although you have to add a Playboy question like "Why are you so honored to be one of three girlfriends for a really old guy?"

Trey said...

Brett Michaels, Flava Flave, the playboy mansion, the Millionaire Matchmaker, even the Batchelor - it all just perplexes me.

You! Pretty woman! Here is a rich man. He is rich, so you will want him, regardless of any other qualities he may or may not have. Go forth, and compete for his affection, for he is rich.


Sam said...

Can I just say, I wear heels with jeans because it elongated the line of your leg and makes your hips look more balanced.

Though I identify with a lot of this are we really going to pretend only farmers wear jeans?

Chole said...

hilarious list!

How about
"Is it worth dating an asshole just because he's goodlooking? Cus I'd have to go with 'no'"

Anonymous said...

Found you through not martha...excellent, excellent post. I have one to add:

Do you know that real tans are not orange? And that orange is not a normal people color? Peach, pink, yellow, tan, brown, yes. Orange, no.

oddharmonic said...

(Another reader of not martha here.)

My nerdy husband would ask: "When you die, will you be melted and recycled as a trash bag?"

Re the crying waving-of-hands thing, I first saw it while watching Miss Congeniality. I recently watched the movie at my dentist's office, so I pointed it out to the hygienist and we both had a good laugh.

Chris in MN said...

Mine is this:

If you're going to take the trouble to put on all that make up, why on earth do you go around looking like such a sour puss? It's the shoes, right? They hurt I bet.

Anonymous said...

Another notmartha reader....

This list is HILARIOUS.

Well, actually bittersweet. Apparently I am a nerd. Lol....something all of my friends have known, perhaps?

Dimknit, I LOVE the tan submission.

I guess my submission would be and expansion of item #1 - Why are you wearing Uggs at all? Shall I send you the Memo?

An addition question:
Why are your sunglasses larger than your head? Are your eyes that big? Are you attending clown college?

Liz said...

You're all cracking me up with your suggestions. These are great!

I really like Chris in MN's "If you're going to take the trouble to put on all that make up, why on earth do you go around looking like such a sour puss? It's the shoes, right? They hurt I bet."

and Habitual's "Why are your sunglasses larger than your head? Are your eyes that big? Are you attending clown college?"

All of them are great, though. Glad you're enjoying the list and thanks for stopping by. (And a special welcome to the NotMartha folks!)

Anonymous said...

Loved the list! One exception; during childbirth nothing *rocketed* from my body. After three days of labor things rocketing out would have been great!

Leisa said...

Hehe-- loved it--

Sassy Tracy said...

Scrapbooking...I don't get it either. Pictures..sure, Posting them on Picasa so your friends can laugh at you... of course. But scrapbooking seems like a waste of time.

Time that could be spending watching star wars or playing the Wii.

- From a Certified Nerd. I actually have a "Talk Nerdy to me" T-Shirt! I Love wearing it in the Airport, you NEVER know what you are going to hear!

Hawkeyegirl said...

Yet another notmartha reader...

I laughed so hard I fell out of my chair!
I wholeheartedly agree about the scrap booking. Non-pastel baby pages are okay, I just don't have the desire to cut and paste- in a non-computer sense anyway.

Here is my addition...
Why do you care so much about celebrities/socialites? Is it because your life is that boring? Do you live vicariously through them? Or would your conversation skills just collapse without gossip?

Kellybeth said...

Yet another not martha reader!

I believe that when you use programs like Smilebox to scrapbook, it is in fact elevated to nerddom.

I loved this post. Any extremely cynical thought I had concerning non-nerd females, it was ehre.

Emily said...

re: Cleavage

Those of us with larger boobs have cleavage. It happens. Most of us with larger boobs also have larger everything else. Our cleavage is all we have left.

HellesBelles said...

W/ regards to the cleavage, I have to agree there. If its all I've got left and believe me it is, I'm going to have to stick with that. If I could show my legs I probly would but....
And I want to know,
Whats with the bed head ponytails? Did you let your cockatiel replace your stylist this morning?

Kim said...

Loved the list. However, I'm guilty of wearing heels with jeans. Large feet and thick thighs don't go very well with flat shoes and I do like the feeling I get when wearing heels.

But here's my list:

1. Do we need to have a bigger war to prevent Brittney Spears and Paris Hilton from headlining the evening news?
2. Why is it that after you say 'I Do' sex becomes another chore?
3. Flava of Love. What the....???????