Tuesday, February 05, 2008

We are nerdy women, hear us roar!

As our intrepid presidential candidates criss-cross the country in search of those all-important last-minute votes, I think it’s time they paid attention to a very important segment of society which has, to date, been woefully ignored. That’s right. I’m talking about the nerd vote.

Below is a list of demands a well-balanced platform of political ideals. I will now commence looking at my watch and tapping my toe haughtily until one of the candidates comes forward to meet those demands gracefully accept our offer of support.

* The inauguration speech must include the phrase “social awkwardness is the new sexy” at least seven times. Preferably, the phrase will be sung.

* Mary McDonnell will be named Secretary of Education...just in case.

* We all will be issued jet packs and robots.

* In her new role as Secretary of Awesome, Tina Fey will become best friends with all of us...and smite Paris Hilton in a nationally televised lightsaber duel.

* Wearing glasses not only will be deemed socially fabulous, those glasses will also be equipped with the ability to see into – and control – the human soul.

* On driver’s licenses, height and weight will be replaced with Scrabulous high scores.

* Tim Gunn will personally see to all our fashion and style needs. Also, he will promise not to mock what came before him.

* William Shatner will receive an Oscar…no questions asked.

* People who are smart will make more money than the people who just look good and aren’t egregiously stupid.

* “Lost” will remain jaw-droppingly brilliant under a new federal mandate.

* The Super Bowl will be permanently replaced by the Puppy Bowl and Paula Abdul will never, ever be allowed to sing during the Kitten Half-Time Show.

* Anyone who rocks on Rock Band or Guitar Hero will be deemed to rock in “real life.” Eric Clapton and the ghosts of Jimi Hendrix and Stevie Ray Vaughen will act accordingly.

See? These demands lofty ideals shouldn’t be so hard to get behind. Let the political wooing begin…


Trey said...

We'd like to fund NASA. Really fund them, so that they don't have to keep taking side gigs from the armed forces just to keep afloat. We'd like to land people on Mars by 2012.

We'd also like everyone in your administration to watch all seven seasons of The West Wing, just to see a bit of what we're looking for. Pay particular attention to Toby, CJ, Rob Lowe, the Presidential Voice, anything Amy says, and...well...all of it, really. You can borrow our DVDs if you promise to take good care of them and give them back.

Liz said...

Trey, those are great. I will pledge right here and now to actually buy the candidate all seven seasons of West Wing if they do even a third of the great stuff Jed and the gang did.

Jessica said...

Joss Whedon will direct a show that doesn't get canceled in the middle of the first season.

Liz said...

Joss Whedon will direct a show that doesn't get canceled in the middle of the first season.


Scrap Irony said...

Members of congress will be replaced by humanoid cylon models, since at least Ron Moore says the cylons have a plan.

Liz said...

Brilliant, Scrap Irony. That totally cracked me up.

SFG said...

Actually, the undeniably nerdy Slashdot crowd would probably have a few semi-serious suggestions such as:

legalization of p2p file sharing
freedom to modify all electronic devices
use of Linux on all government computers

I'd also mention things like funding research so scientists don't have to collaborate with pharm companies, etc.

Liz said...

I think we could accomplish all that, SFG, with the soul-controlling glasses. That one's kind of a catch-all. :-)