In Defense of Glasses

The oft-inebriated poet Dorothy Parker once wrote, “Men seldom make passes/At girls who wear glasses.” I find this hard to believe and am inclined to think that plenty of men were making passes at Dorothy but she missed them because, well, she was slushy with gin and vermouth. Had she been sober, she would have realized the magical power of eyeglasses and how they do not in fact detract from one’s appearance but rather add to it.

For too long, glasses have had their reputations (and lenses) besmirched by jealous people with 20/20 vision who only wish they could accessorize with the saucy flair of tortoise shell frames. Eye glasses deserve a little recognition, for they wield not only corrective powers, but the power to change one’s image, style and state of mind.

Let’s look at a few of the many, many good things about glasses:

1. They make us look smarter. I could be as dumb as a rock or one of those ladies on The View, but if I put on a pair of glasses, my perceived IQ shoots up at least 50 points. When they see my glasses, people know I’ve read enough books to inflict injury on my eye balls, so therefore, I must be really, really dedicated to learning and/or I must enjoy ophthamological masochism. And given that I just made up the phrase “ophthamological masochism,” I must be smart. Which, duh, of course I am. I’m wearing glasses.

2. Glasses give us authority. Got a tough situation on your hands? Is the Canadian army giving you guff? The answer, my friends, is simple. (And probably blowing in the wind. Sorry.) Tilt your head down, let your glasses descend your proboscis just a smidge and glare. The power of looking over your glasses at someone cannot be denied. Think about it – it works for grandparents, for congressmen, for schoolteachers and it worked for Ponch on ChiPs. (Sure, those were sunglasses, but same difference. Don’t believe me? I’m looking over my glasses at you…right now.)

3. Glasses can make fire. No ant ever burst into flames because of a contact lense, and no Survivor contestant ever lit kindling with 20/20 vision. There’s no question about it – if CBS ever drops you off on a deserted island with nothing but a camera crew and Jeff Probst or if a small, angry ant ever attacks you, glasses will save your life.

4. Superheroes wear glasses. Sure, Clark Kent takes off his glasses when he turns into Superman but that’s only because the frames keep slipping down his nose and he’s worried about looking like too much of a stud while fighting crime. It’s true. I read it somewhere…with my glasses.

5. Glasses just look good. Let’s face it. Glasses not only improve our vision, they make us look better, too. In fact, a nice pair of glasses can do more than a good haircut or even an entirely new body.* Check out the photographic evidence:









Okay, I was kidding on that last one. But seriously, let’s stop apologizing for our glasses. Let’s stop hiding them when we go out on dates or wax the dog.** Show your nerd power. Wear ‘em loud and wear ‘em proud. It’s what Harry Carey would have wanted.

* Not true.
** Not a euphemism.