I read "Cosmo"...so you don't have to

The most important things I learned from this month’s issue of “Cosmopolitan” magazine:

• "To give my pad an elegant autumn vibe, I can place a few white pumpkins in the center of a table. They’re a sophisticated alternative to the usual holiday stuff.” Like, ahh, what do you call those things? They're kind of round. Charlie Brown likes them. Orange pumpkins?

• My eyes have the ability to hypnotize a man.
  

• Kate Hudson’s weirdest phobia is the smell of buttermilk.

• “Hair is more than a woman’s best accessory. It’s her greatest weapon.”

• Um, I’m looking at something called “Hollywood’s Make-Out Map” that apparently tracks whose made out with whom, starting with Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer. Justin Timberlake is seven steps away from having made out with Tom Green. I do not think Justin should tell people this.

• Sixty-eight percent of women do not want to see Mario Lopez’s man cleavage.

• Usher’s perfume sample smells better than Britney’s. Also, he is less of a whore.

• Oh my god, there is an article called “This Is What It Means…When Guys Cry.” Two points for referencing Prince’s “When Doves Cry.” Minus three points, though, for the entire article not simply being comprised of the words, “He's saaad.”

• Awesome. There is a picture of two raccoons hanging from a tree branch with a caption reading, “She can totally hang.” Somewhere a dentist is clipping this for his office wall.

• Shawni, age 20, says, “I had the hots for a guy at college. I knew he was into me…yet he never told me so. We had history class together and one dude always tried to flirt with me. Usually, I ignored him but one day, I flirted back, hoping to make my crush jealous. It worked – he confessed his feelings that night!” Shawni went on to win a Nobel Prize in the field of Duh and Duh Again, You Complete Fucking Moron.

• Hahahahaaa…Question: How can I get Cosmo cleavage? Answer: Our cover girls often use chicken cutlets in their bras – they give amazing lift! Also, nine out of ten Cosmo girls get mauled to death by hungry dogs. We have no idea why.

• Adrianne Palicki, star of “Friday Night Lights” uses Dove soap. Now we can sleep at night.

• Is anyone else disturbed that the makers of Vitamin Water also make shampoo? Should I just not worry about this?
  

• Has your relationship become boring and stale? Go kayaking! Also drink a lot! And go shopping at a second hand store! Problem solved. People who get divorced are pussies.

• Page 174…The point at which I gave up reading. Don’t worry, though, I can pretty easily sum up the rest: threesomes, sex in public places, hair care, Neutrogena ad, why your boyfriend is cheating on you, what you did wrong to make your boyfriend cheat on you, a blurb about how cute Drew Barrymore is and 17 Estee Lauder ads.

Aaand...scene.