Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I read "Cosmo"...so you don't have to

The most important things I learned from this month’s issue of “Cosmopolitan” magazine:
  • "To give my pad an elegant autumn vibe, I can place a few white pumpkins in the center of a table. They’re a sophisticated alternative to the usual holiday stuff.” Like, ahh, what do you call those things? They're kind of round. Charlie Brown likes them. Orange pumpkins?
  • My eyes have the ability to hypnotize a man.
  • Kate Hudson’s weirdest phobia is the smell of buttermilk.
  • “Hair is more than a woman’s best accessory. It’s her greatest weapon.”
  • Um, I’m looking at something called “Hollywood’s Make-Out Map” that apparently tracks whose made out with whom, starting with Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer. Justin Timberlake is seven steps away from having made out with Tom Green. I do not think Justin should tell people this.
  • Sixty-eight percent of women do not want to see Mario Lopez’s man cleavage.
  • Usher’s perfume sample smells better than Britney’s. Also, he is less of a whore.
  • Oh my god, there is an article called “This Is What It Means…When Guys Cry.” Two points for referencing Prince’s “When Doves Cry.” Minus three points, though, for the entire article not simply being comprised of the words, “He's saaad.”
  • Awesome. There is a picture of two raccoons hanging from a tree branch with a caption reading, “She can totally hang.” Somewhere a dentist is clipping this for his office wall.
  • Shawni, age 20, says, “I had the hots for a guy at college. I knew he was into me…yet he never told me so. We had history class together and one dude always tried to flirt with me. Usually, I ignored him but one day, I flirted back, hoping to make my crush jealous. It worked – he confessed his feelings that night!” Shawni went on to win a Nobel Prize in the field of Duh and Duh Again, You Complete Fucking Moron.
  • Hahahahaaa…Question: How can I get Cosmo cleavage? Answer: Our cover girls often use chicken cutlets in their bras – they give amazing lift! Also, nine out of ten Cosmo girls get mauled to death by hungry dogs. We have no idea why.
  • Adrianne Palicki, star of “Friday Night Lights” uses Dove soap. Now we can sleep at night.
  • Is anyone else disturbed that the makers of Vitamin Water also make shampoo? Should I just not worry about this?
  • Has your relationship become boring and stale? Go kayaking! Also drink a lot! And go shopping at a second hand store! Problem solved. People who get divorced are pussies.
  • Page 174…The point at which I gave up reading. Don’t worry, though, I can pretty easily sum up the rest: threesomes, sex in public places, hair care, Neutrogena ad, why your boyfriend is cheating on you, what you did wrong to make your boyfriend cheat on you, a blurb about how cute Drew Barrymore is and 17 Estee Lauder ads.
Aaand...scene.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

You're forgetting the shocking yet titillating article on rape/ stalkers/ identity theft, "ten things your gynecologist ISN'T telling you," and "how to drive your man wild in bed." I think that covers it.

Trey said...

Don't forget the quiz! We can't live without knowing if we have a dream boyfriend or not!

Liz said...

All excellent suggestions! There was definitely a lot more comedy potential I left out. I had to call it quits when my eyes started to bleed...my eyes that can hypnotize a man! :)

RedCochina said...

Don't make fun. The writers and editors of women's magazines are truly talented. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to fill 200+ pages with absolutely nothing new, insightful or helpful? Or the least bit entertaining? I say Nobel Prizes all around!

Liz said...

Redcochina, that's a very good point! I never thought of that. I think they cheat, though, by having so many pictures.

Amy said...

I got to "give my pad an elegant autumn vibe" and my brain immediately went to "Cosmo has reduced itself to giving us tips on decorating our feminine hygiene products?!??!?!"

Cosmo doesn't make me as sad as Chatelaine, which is less ditzy but didn't used to be ditzy at all, and was at one point actually a seriously awesome feminist magazine that had actual important things to say.

Marcie said...

Reasons 180-187 why I do not read cosmo. I did, however, find your rendition very entertaining.

lgaumond said...

Awesome. Will you always read Cosmo so we don't have to? I like it much better this way.

elimare said...

Amy - I had the same first thought. oh dear, oh dear.

LaurieM said...

um, I had the same reaction to "pad" - made me think of the "Have a happy period!" they've been idiotically imprinting on maxipads as an "uplifting" international campaign...

lauraluvsbacon said...

Hahaha! Thank you for this. I was addicted to Cosmo at one point, but have been about 4 months sober; but I nearly had a relapse. The "For Naughty Girls Only" stamp on this month's cover had me titillated!I was about to buy it! I thought, "I'm a naughty girl! Maybe this magazine can make me....EVEN NAUGHTIER!" And teach me something AMAZING and NEW and UNHEARD of that NOBODY else knows! COSMO is GOD and knows crazy sex stuff that people could NEVER dream of on their own!!!! Then I came to my senses, and instead of buying the issue, merely laughed at it in the supermarket checkout aisle. Now , after reading this, I'm laughing even harder. Thanks!

Liz said...

Lauraluvsbacon, glad I could help stave off the relapse! :) Your post was hilarious and I think you devised truly the best place for a Cosmo library.

Amy, Elimare and Lauriem, it's so funny you mentioned the pad thing. I thought the exact same thing and wondered whether or not to say something about it. I get confused by those Cosmo writers and their hip terms for dwellings!

Anonymous said...

Recently I was travelling and picked up a copy of cosmo, and immeadiatley regretted it. There was an article with the headline: 'WHY MEN ENJOY EXERCISING AND WOMEN DON'T' (or something like that). All I could think was: Really??? Have you published this article whilst conveniently forgetting all the professional female athletes of which there are simply too many to name here??? And where have all these supposed muscular, exercise-loving men gone to?

Honestly, these magazines must do so much damage, because they teach younger girls that all that liberated, strong women are interested in is sex and make-up.

Kristen said...

Read it? Why can't we just look at the pretty pictures of women, who I'm pretty sure eat each other after the shoot is finished, and who's make-up is done so... "imaginatively", that you're not actually sure whether they are still human, and of course Louise Vitton and Estee Launder are going to put up ads for clothes which people are totally going to buy because they're sooo practical?

okay. Well I kinda joke, because personally I'm the nerd that buys the magazines so I can put up the shoot of the hot fashion and shoes right next to my sexy picture of Nathan Fillion, and the rest of the crew :)

Fun. x