* The inauguration speech must include the phrase “social awkwardness is the new sexy” at least seven times. Preferably, the phrase will be sung.
* Mary McDonnell will be named Secretary of Education...just in case.
* We all will be issued jet packs and robots.
* In her new role as Secretary of Awesome, Tina Fey will become best friends with all of us...and smite Paris Hilton in a nationally televised lightsaber duel.
* Wearing glasses not only will be deemed socially fabulous, those glasses will also be equipped with the ability to see into – and control – the human soul.
* On driver’s licenses, height and weight will be replaced with Scrabulous high scores.
* Tim Gunn will personally see to all our fashion and style needs. Also, he will promise not to mock what came before him.
* William Shatner will receive an Oscar…no questions asked.
* People who are smart will make more money than the people who just look good and aren’t egregiously stupid.
* “Lost” will remain jaw-droppingly brilliant under a new federal mandate.
* The Super Bowl will be permanently replaced by the Puppy Bowl and Paula Abdul will never, ever be allowed to sing during the Kitten Half-Time Show.
* Anyone who rocks on Rock Band or Guitar Hero will be deemed to rock in “real life.” Eric Clapton and the ghosts of Jimi Hendrix and Stevie Ray Vaughen will act accordingly.