Alright, here we go, without preamble or ado: I'm watching "Twilight" and because I have way too much time on my hand, I'm liveblogging it too. So beware, spoilers ahoy!
Did I mention spoilers? Have you averted your eyes if need be? Good then, let's carry on:
4:48 p.m. - Okay, first off, I'm freaked out by deer danger. Poor little thing, running through the forest. This is the kind of thing that made Bambi an orphan!
I like that the main character's dad has a porn 'stache and is a cop. I'm intrigued.
4:52 p.m. - Hey, she got the "Sanford and Son" truck! Sweet.
5:05 p.m. - Sorry, got a phone call. So, about that Belle. Who the hell makes friends this fast?
5:07 p.m. - Vampire sighting...I think. Who knew the undead were all Ralph Lauren models? Also, aren't your bleach expenses going to be super-high if you're a blood sucker and you wear white?
5:10 p.m. - Loving the owl wings over Edward's shoulders. It's like he's an angel or something!
5:15 p.m. - I've decided I like this Kristen Stewart girl. She's like an emo-hybrid of Alexis Bledel and Mary Louise Parker.
Huh, Robert Pattinson becomes a lot more attractive once he starts actually talking.
Uh oh, Bella doesn't like cold, wet things. This could be a deal breaker for Edward!
5:20 p.m. - Holy shit, Edward's Superman! Runaway van? Yeah, he tamed that four-wheel bitch!
5:25 p.m. - I'm a little slow on the uptake, but aren't vampires supposed to get all toasty in daylight? What kind of sunblock does it take to prevent undead immolation?
5:32 p.m. - I should point out here that I've never read any of the "Twilight" books. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Jacob is a werewolf -- a hirsute hottie, if you will.
Okay, now the vampires are dressed like David Bowie circa 1973. With just a hint of Abba glam for seasoning...
5:37 p.m. -- Ooh, Bella just went to the bookstore version of The Magic Box. Man, this movie's making me want to watch "Buffy" all over again.
Oh no, bad townies! I sense a vampire salvation coming soon. OH YEAH, bad-ass Volvo driven by bad-ass vampire!! Grr.
5:42 p.m. - Wow, I think I just spotted Bobby Lee from MAD TV in the Bella/Edward hubba hubba restaurant scene.
5:47 p.m. - Really? She really has to Google "the cold one" to figure out this dude might be a vampire. Aaaand then she leads him into a cold, dark, remote forest to confront him about it. I'd seriously be wearing a steel neck brace before having that conversation.
5:51 p.m. - All that happens in sunlight is that he sparkles? Really? It would be awesome if his nipples were bedazzled.
Aand we discover Bella likes the bad boys. "You're like my own personal brand of heroin." Okay then.
5:56 p.m. - Just like a boy, always wanting a girl's "blood," if that's what the kids are callin' it these days.
6:03 p.m. - Okay, I like all the vampires watching the cooking channel and learning how to cook.
6:11 p.m. - "You better hold on tight, spider-monkey...while we re-enact (or some would say steal blatantly from) the 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' bamboo-tree scene." Stop stealing styles, director-woman!!
6:17 p.m. - I'm saying it right here: as much as this movie is border-line aggravating me, the sight of vampires playing baseball while "Supermassive Blackhole" plays on the soundtrack is equal parts ridiculous and hugely awesome.
6:20 p.m. - Sweet. Supermodel vampire gang bang dance-off rumble tussle time. Wait, now they're just talking. No fair! Fight! Fight!
You know why vampires never sleep? Too much time spent planning their s-t-y-l-e.
6:32 p.m. - Bad blonde vampire, being naughty and looking like a homely Brad Pitt. Don't eat the mom! That's as un-American as apple pie. Wait, that's not right.
6:36 p.m. - C'mon, Bella, you're going to go fight with a vampire and you bring...pepper spray? No garlic? Wooden stake maybe? Did this girl never watch "Buffy?"
6:37 p.m. - Okay, then, have I mentioned I hate Comcast? They seriously just cut my OnDemand feed and I can't get it back. I now have no idea how this movie ends and I think I just got screwed out of $4.99. Sorry about this. How anticlimactic. And did I mention I hate Comcast? Well, thanks for reading this far.
I'm just going to pretend that the movie ends with Edward saving Bella, looking pouty and heroic and setting the stage for an ass-kicking sequel. Am I right?