Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Superman's going to be so jealous

Having superpowers such as the ability to fly and shoot lasers out of your eyes is all well and good when there are dastardly villains afoot, but what about combating the every day nonsense that gets us down? Wouldn’t it be nice to have superpowers to fight that kind of stuff? Powers, perhaps, such as these:

* The “I Can Eat a Gallon of Mashed Potatoes Because I Have the Metabolism of a Phen-Phened Hamster” Power

* The “Always Picking the Right Line No Matter How Unlikely It Looks That It’s Going to Move Faster Than That Other Line Over There” Power

* The “Can He Really Be As Nice As He Seems or Am I Just Going To End Up Being Disappointed and Burning His Television Like Last Time” Detector

* The “Why Do I Have To Dress Myself in the Morning When There Are Other People Who Could Do It For Me” Power

* The “That Preview Looks Good But I’m Not Quite Sure If It’s Worth $9 To See Plus It Has Ryan Phillippe and I Get His Hair Mixed Up With Justin Timberlake’s Hair” Decision Making Power

* The “Oh My God, I Can’t Believe Those Words Are Coming Out of My Mouth, Do You Think He’ll Believe Me When I Say I Thought His Name Was Dick, I Don’t Think He Will, Crap I’d Give Anything To Take That Back and Not Get Fired” Power

* The “Now I Don’t Have To Rip The Palms of My Hands To Shreds Just To Open a Jar of Pickles Which Are Scrumptious” Superhuman Strength Power

* The “I Can’t Believe I Just Agreed To Move In With a Guy Who Smells Like a Collie” Do-Over Power

* The “I Can Bake Muffins In My Sleep – Literally” Power of Confectionary Magic

* The “When I Watch People on TV and Think, ‘I Could Totally Do That!’ It Turns Out Now I Actually Can So Suck On That One Brain Surgeons and Astronauts” Power

9 comments:

Kathe said...

Do I have to pick one power or can I have all those you listed??? But I'd really like the "I Will Never Have a Bad Hair Day/Century Again Because I Can Grow My Hair At Will AND Change Its Color And Layers On A Whim" Power.

Jessica said...

These sound like awesome Third Wave powers! http://www.playingforkeepsnovel.com/

Nightfall said...

How about the "Pick the perfect movie/restaurant/entertainment for the evening" power to subvert the "I dunno, what do you wanna do" supervillian?

Liz said...

Nightfall, I fight that supervillain every single night. "I don't know, what do you wanna do" is just the worst. I would take that superpower in a second.

Corenn said...

My husband and I use an algorithm to defeat the "I dunno. What do you wanna do?" monster:

If we're trying to pick a restaurant, for example, one of us randomly picks three places. The other person chooses one from the list. If neither party can find any reason not to go there, then that's where they eat.

Works with board games, movies, you name it. :-)

Liz said...

Hmm, that sounds like a good idea, Corenn. We'll have to try that one.

Kirstin said...

Can I have the "spontaneous delivery of ice cream when it's too cold to go outside and actually get it myself" power?

I'd also like the "my floor has already been vacuumed because I say so" power which can also be applied to any other household cleaning task.

Anonymous said...

You make me laugh so hard I cry.

Liz said...

Kristin, I would love the "my floor has already been vacuumed because I say so" power. I've been trying to train my cat to vacuum but so far it's not been working out. That superpower would completely solve my problem.

And Anonymous, glad you liked the list. And thank you for the comment -- it brightened my day!