Tuesday, April 22, 2008

If Nerds Ruled the World

+ The pen literally becomes mightier than the sword. Fencers everywhere are armed with Bics.

+ “Jedi Knight” deemed an acceptable religious affiliation. Ewoks still shunned.

+ Festivus would be a federal holiday. In addition to social security cards and small hats, babies are issued stripper poles at birth.

+ Stats for an ideal woman change from 36-24-36 to 780 verbal/780 math.

+ Al Gore would have been our 43rd president because we never would have voted for the cheerleading frat boy.

+ Golf clubs, footballs, bats and other sports accoutrements are replaced with a universal Wii-mote. Also, deleting opponents becomes completely legal.

+ Scrabulous would NEVER be blocked by work security filters.

+ "Wall Street Journal" sketches are all drawn by H.R. Giger. Ben Bernancke becomes even more terrifying.

+ Comic books would be acceptable as a standard form of currency. "Archie" comics, however, soon become like the penny and are used only to buy gumballs and accessorize loafers.

+ No one ever laughs if you come to work hung over from last night’s Book Group.

+ British and/or Austrailian accents become standard issue on all humans. Harry Knowles suddenly becomes hot.

+ Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman are grafted together to create one incredibly awesome mediocre human being.

+ “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader” becomes “Are You Smarter Than a Tenth Grader Taking AP Classes?”

+ Cars come with a “Damage on/off” toggle. Driving becomes a lot more fun.

+ George Clooney is still hot.

+ The word "Juicy" on sweatpants is replaced with "If you can read this, you are too close." Obviously, the print would be very small.

+ Resumes will include high scores. Those who completed “BioShock” will be given upper management positions.

+ People NOT wearing glasses are mocked mercilessly and made to cry.

+ “American Idol” will be replaced with “American Astrophysicist.” Simon Cowell is still a bastard and totally plays favorites.

+ "Make It So" replaces "Git 'Er Done," a phrase never uttered again except in alcohol-fueled lexiconic accidents. Even then, dude, just don't do it.

- with contributions from Ms. C


The Modern Gal said...

Woo hoo! Let's start a revolution!

Jessica said...

Oh, to live in this world...

Nightfall said...

And all the popcorn makers would look like this:

And makeup would be paint by numbers or outlawed completely. High heels too, no high heels in Nerdtopia; they are completely illogical.

Lisa said...

Love the point about glasses!

Anonymous said...

+football and basketball stadiums would only get rebuilt when necessary for safety reasons (and only then because of the structural damage caused by the last Johnathan Coulton, Voltaire, or They Might be Giants concert)

+The Oscars would never again allow a movie like Titanic to win 7 Academy Awards. Also, the sexy librarian look would be *hot* on the red carpet.

+the Nerd Men of the Month would find themselves the target of an unbending media blitz/fangirling in which they are forced to buy their own islands to escape.

I guess my work break is over, so I'll have to spend the rest of the afternoon thinking of more possibilities. Good post!

dr.gambit said...

pure genius....well done ladies!!!!

Anonymous said...

Also, people wouldn't look completely flabbergasted at the phrase "recreational mathematics".

Liz said...

Ok, "recreational mathematics" is one of the greatest phrases I've ever heard. I've got to find a way to use that in conversation immediately. :)

whatever said...

I love recreational mathematics! Math is fun!!!

SFG said...

Stats for an ideal woman change from 36-24-36 to 780 verbal/780 math.
Not 800/800?

I did actually once look at a list of test scores and ask out the highest-scoring female.

okelay said...

I was just linked to this.
It's brilliant!!
I'll definitely be reccing this to my friends, boths nerd and not. (they ought be warned,right?)

Coco Bunny said...

This makes Coco smile. :)

Faith said...

From one research scientist to you wonderful, fabulous nerds...thank you! Brilliant!

Anonymous said...

Brilliant! There's two british nerdy types, giggling and nodding over here...

Anonymous said...

I posted a link to this on Geeks.pirillo.com, the six thousand geeks there will love it. =D