+ “Jedi Knight” deemed an acceptable religious affiliation. Ewoks still shunned.
+ Festivus would be a federal holiday. In addition to social security cards and small hats, babies are issued stripper poles at birth.
+ Stats for an ideal woman change from 36-24-36 to 780 verbal/780 math.
+ Al Gore would have been our 43rd president because we never would have voted for the cheerleading frat boy.
+ Golf clubs, footballs, bats and other sports accoutrements are replaced with a universal Wii-mote. Also, deleting opponents becomes completely legal.
+ Scrabulous would NEVER be blocked by work security filters.
+ "Wall Street Journal" sketches are all drawn by H.R. Giger. Ben Bernancke becomes
+ Comic books would be acceptable as a standard form of currency. "Archie" comics, however, soon become like the penny and are used only to buy gumballs and accessorize loafers.
+ No one ever laughs if you come to work hung over from last night’s Book Group.
+ British and/or Austrailian accents become standard issue on all humans. Harry Knowles suddenly becomes hot.
+ Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman are grafted together to create one incredibly awesome mediocre human being.
+ “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader” becomes “Are You Smarter Than a Tenth Grader Taking AP Classes?”
+ Cars come with a “Damage on/off” toggle. Driving becomes a lot more fun.
+ George Clooney is still hot.
+ The word "Juicy" on sweatpants is replaced with "If you can read this, you are too close." Obviously, the print would be very small.
+ Resumes will include high scores. Those who completed “BioShock” will be given upper management positions.
+ People NOT wearing glasses are mocked mercilessly and made to cry.
+ “American Idol” will be replaced with “American Astrophysicist.” Simon Cowell is still a bastard and totally plays favorites.
+ "Make It So" replaces "Git 'Er Done," a phrase never uttered again except in alcohol-fueled lexiconic accidents. Even then, dude, just don't do it.
- with contributions from Ms. C